sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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What Sexy Is?

Supe is not feeling well today. He has some kind of gastrointestinal flu or something. He has had this for the past couple of days and is not happy with how often he's been sick, but I reminded him that his body is not as resillient as it was when he was in his teens and 20's. He insists that he NEVER used to get sick. Which is probably true. Thankfully this month he has an appointment with his nuerologist and his respitory doc. If there is anything else wrong with him, they will find it. It just keeps me thinking of March 2003 when he was sick for so long and I almost lost him. Please God...don't let him get that sick again so soon.

I had a dream last night about my high school boyfriend. It was a nice dream, though dreams about him always make me question my subconbscious. I know that in my heart there is unfinished business there, but in life...in actuality, there is nothing left to say. Anyway, in the dream, we were just friends. We were hanging out, swimming, cruising, talking. It was nice. I felt like we had come full circle and were so mature to be able to hang out and be friends. In actuality, I would like it if it were that way, but too much water has gone under that bridge. Oh well.

Our apartment is back to pre-Christmas condition. I spent the day yeterday taking down all our Christmas decorations, cards, and the sundry. I did it all while watching A Mighty Wind. That movie was better than I thought it would be. Very subtly funny. Now I need to see waiting for Guffman. It's the only film in that series I haven't seen. I really like Catherine O'Hara and Christopher Guest.

Anyway, our Christmas stuff is all put away and it looks like we never even celebrated. The Christmas season went so fast this year. It seems like I JUST put this stuff all up. And I do it early to extend the feeling of the season. It just went by so fast.

Today is a work day. It feels like Monday. Thankfully, the weekend follows. Not that we have any big plans, but after doing all the work of packing up Christmas and cleaning up the apartment, it's nice to know a weekend is coming up for some R & R.

Only 4 more days until the WLS informational meeting. I am really excited about this. I was telling Supe last night that I really like my new underwear because it's fun, but that I wished I felt like I could wear sexy underwear and feel sexy...but I just can't. Sexy is for small, normal women. I am quite large and therefore cannot be sexy. At least that's how it is in my head. He disagreed because he loves me and thinks I'm sexy. I really want to get a pair of the underwear that's really hot now. It's the kind that is lacy and I think it's called boy's fit...or something like that. It's square and boxy and lacy and in all the pictures, it make the models butt look really, really sexy and round. But it only works if you don't also have a belly that's big and round as well.

To be honest, I don't know if losing all this weight will result in me feeling sexy, but I really need to get this weight off. I know of so many people who lose the weight and then spend a lot more time losing their "Fat" image in their mind. Sometimes that takes longer, expecially if the weight comes off pretty fast. I will be interested to see how it goes for me.

Sometimes I see myself in my mind's eye as I was in high school. Not skinny, but not fat. Just me. Size 14/16...normal. Then I see a photo of myself or catch a glimpse of myself in the morror of the elevator at work and I am surprised that that is me. And then I carry shame. Shame that I let myself get so big. Shame that I can't seem to do anything about and shame that this is me. I feel like less of a person. Like I should apologize to people I encounter on the elevator for taking up more than my allotted space. I feel like I can't really participate in life because life is not for the overweight. Life is for the skinny and beautiful.

I know all these things are things I have to work through. And I will. I am just saying, this is how I feel.

I am going to join Weight Watchers after my pay day on the 15th. Hopefully they will still be waiving the registration fee. I just want to have the WLS info meeting under my belt before I join. Plus money is tight right now, so I need to wait until the next pay day.

So, after all this talk about weight loss and body image, I need a diversion and you probably do too. Here is another nephew story. (By the way, my nephews are 6 1/2 and 9 and in first and third grades.)

My brother and his family were visiting Minnesota over the Christmas season as we often celebrate with my Dad's family here. I had not lived here very long, but every time my brother's family came to visit, we would meet up at the Mall of America. The boys began to associate me living in Minneapolis, MN with visiting me at the Mall and Camp Snoopy. One day my youngest nephew finally asked me, "Aunt Amy...where in the Mall do you actually live?" I explained that I didn't actually live in the Mall but in an apartment in another city. Feeling badly about being wrong about where I live, he thoughtfully said, "Well you don't live here...but SOME people might!" _______________________________________ January 02, 2003 Looking Ahead and Remembering Back It is the New Year. I am like most of the other people I have been reading lately and am late with my New Year entry, but wanting to get more with it in the future. I think I need to stop reading other people's journals before I write in my own. It makes me self conscious and lazy. So what is new this year? For starters, I do not have this black cloud of dread hanging over my head, as I seem to remember having last year. And was not last year just a dozy? SBís MD diagnosis and subsequent loss of job was a HUGE part of last year. Also, wanting to conceive and not...took up a bunch more of last year. But this year is brand spanking new and ringing with hope and certainty. Not in our lives, or ourselves but in our God. I cannot begin to describe the feelings of loss and abandonment I felt last year, only to have God come through time and time again. We received so much love and support from family and friends and when we would pray, showers of blessings rained down on us. We have so much to be thankful for! Here is a recap of our thankfulness for the past year...MD and all. 1.) Our marriage and how strong it turned out to be in the midst of trials 2.) A diagnosis for what SB was suffering from so as to take the burden of guilt from his shoulders. 3.) A mini vacation to Duluth in order to physically get away from it all. 4.) Friends and their weddings. Oh, the love that was shared this spring and summer! 5.) Family times. What a joy it is to celebrate grandparentís birthdays and nephews lost teeth and no training-wheels victories! 6.) A new member of the family...Maisey, a brown and white tabby...who promptly made herself at home in our apartment and in our hearts. 7.) Sister and brother in laws, who see a need, have the resources to meet it and do not hesitate to do so! 8.) Strangers who offer to help. 9.) A new apartment...handicapped accessible and oh such an improvement. And a sliding glass door and patio! Yay! 10.) A steady, good job that I am good at...not always where I want to be, but a good job with good benefits. 11.) Newer model cars that are still under warrantee and run great. 12.) Underground parking. 13.) Surprise checks for exactly the right amount given anonymously in love. 14.) Another year, month, week, day, hour of life to breath and share with my loving, amazing husband. 15.) My parents and SB's parents. 16.) Our siblings. 17.) Email, the Internet, computers, and digital cameras. Technology rocks...as long as I am able to keep up! 18.) Our church family and the life long friends we have made there. 19.) Our friends J and M...and so many others too numerous to list here. 20.) My (and SB's too) Savior Jesus and the relationship I have with Him and subsequently the relationship I have with God through Him. Thank You! Lastly, another year to look forward to. This year we look for two things for sure: 1.) To become parents. 2.) For Bob to find his calling/job/ministry. I will keep you updated as to both. Happy New Year and God bless!

7:56 a.m. - Friday, Jan. 02, 2004
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