sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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The Big Mistake Was Going On National TV Missy

Welcome to hump day. The week is just dragging for me.

Did you watch American Idol last night? Oh such sweetness! I turned to Supe incredulous that in the thrid season of such a popular show, these people auditioning still don't know what to expect from Simon and Co. HELLO! Simon is rude. Unless you have been certified a good singer...don't expect him to like you. And what was up with that one guy who cried? Dude! You were BAD! And he forgot the words. I will never understand what motivates people to try out for that show. Yes, if you are talented, you should have something to show for it: Leads in school musicals, people asking you to sing at church or other civi functions, feedback that you are good and should be on the radio. If that hasn't happened to you...if the only place you've been singing is into the mirror with your curling iron or hairbrush...maybe American Idol isn't for you. I did like the daddy's girl from Atlanta. I did NOT like the Black Velvet/Kimberly Caldwell clone though. I thought what Simon had to say was right on...everything was textbook and scripted. And what was up with that girl who sang that song from Flashdance? She stunk! And then she threw a diva fit. When she said that they made a big mistake and that some day she would be making big money for herself and someone else, Supe and I joked that that she may have to take up a different profession to do that...say, the oldest profession? Not that we encourage that...we were just joking because of how she said what she did.

On to other things.

So, I've been studying the booklet the doctor's office gave me and it says in the fourth week of my recovery from surgery, I can move to a pureed diet. I would only be on it for one week. During that week I should eat everything pureed...babyfood is often a positive choice for people in this stage. There is a warning that during warm weather, I should drink even more than 64 ounces of water because of the chance for dehydration. They say it's easier for a gastric bypass patient to get dehydrated and that I should add Morton's Lite Salt to food and liquid to prevent losing Potassium and water.

The fifth week is when I would start introducing regular foods into my diet. This can be the scary part since I won't be sure what the little opening will allow through, so I might end up gagging/vomiting on the foods I introduce. The book suggests starting with eggs and egg salad, fish, moist meats, beans, peanut butter, bananas, and baked potatoes without skin. I wil have to remember to not drink with my meals or for 30 minutes after so as to not flush the food out of my system. I will also have to eat the protein part of my meal first and chew each bite 20-30 times.

It's during these times of waiting between each "hoop" I have to jump through that I start to wonder about these things. I know that any successful weightloss plan means lifestyle changes and choices...for life. This is no exception. I just need to weigh one lifestyle over the other. When I do this, the surgery comes out on top every time.

I was thinking last night of another thing I want to do after I lose weight. I want to go horseback riding. I used to LOVE horses but was always afraid of learning to ride because of my size. So, there is one more thing to look forward to.

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A Year Ago Today: January 21, 2003 Perfectionism and Pregnancy

OK...I have not been very good about updating. I will never rip on other diarists again for not updating. I think I just was overloaded reading other peopleís diaries and just did not feel good about my own. Bad habits die-hard.

I am a lazy perfectionist. If I do not think I can do something 100% perfect, I either avoid it until someone else does it, or I do not do it at all. It is a sad version of anal-retentive control. I hate failure and would rather not even try than to try and fail. I really do not like that about myself.

Anyway, I will definitely TRY not to let this diary fit into that place at all. Itís actually quite cathartic for me to write about it and to use this space to work that stuff out.

So, whatís happened since I last wrote? It has gotten a heck of a lot colder! It is a whopping 9 degrees out today. That is our high! 9 degrees! By Sunday, it is supposed to be 28 and we are all looking forward to that like it is some summer heat wave or something.

I like living in MN, but I could do without the cold. We havenít had a lot of snow this winter which is nice, but I would much rather deal with snow that with cold. Some might think you cannot have one without the other. But I say Pshaw! It only needs to be 32 degrees for us to get snow. That is a whole 23 degrees warmer than it is right now! So bring on the snow!

I donít know if I told you this or not, but SB and I are trying to get pregnant. When we were engaged, we talked about waiting for a year before even trying. Well, once we got married, we decided to throw caution to the wind and try to have a baby. Nothing. Our 1-year anniversary came and went and we are still not pregnant. However, I believe we will be soon. My cycles are becoming a lot more regular and we are really feeling the pull of parenthood on us.

On Sunday night I had a dream that I was walking down the hallway of a hospital and I heard someone calling my name from behind me. It was my friend Jenn. I stopped and she ran up to be all smiley and beaming and said, "You are pregnant!" I asked her how she would possibly know that and she said my doctor told her. I found that to be weird because I had not seen my doctor in some time and why would my doctor tell her and not me? Anyway, the dream continued and I was driving this guy somewhere in a car. He turns to me and says, "You are pregnant." First, I didnít even know this guy and second of all...WHAT? Therefore, I woke up thinking, am I pregnant! It could be...I was 4 days late. However, that very day my period showed up. Therefore, nope...not yet.

This morning my husband rolls over and says, "I dreamed about our baby last night." He said he was dreaming that he and the baby were lying on the bed and that the baby was tiny and perfect and it held his fingers in its hand. He said he just had this overwhelming love for the baby and had never felt anything like that. Weird huh? But sooooo good.

SB has wanted kids and wants to be a dad, but heís kind of afraid. He was diagnosed with MD last year and since then; his muscle degeneration has really progressed. So much so that he is unable to do things now that he could do only a year ago. So, he is kind of afraid that he will not be a good dad because he is not sure if he will be able to hold our kids or pick them up. However, I keep assuring him he will be fine.

Heís also kind of scared because his own dad was MIA when he was growing up and heís afraid his lack of role model will somehow mess him up as a dad. Again, I am sure he will be fine.

Work is kind of sucking lately. The good news is my bosses are out of town the rest of this week! Yay! The bad news is, I am still here. But really, Itís a good job and I like it most days. It is just that lately there has been a lot of pressure on my bosses and the agents here and that is taken out on me quite a bit. I wish I had my teacher-friendís work schedule. I would have had 2 days off this month already. As it stands, I do not have a scheduled day off until the floating holiday I am taking on Good Friday. After the gaggle of days off during the Christmas season, it just seems too long.

I am doing things to break up the monotony though. I am still crocheting dishcloths and next month I start learning to knit. Also, I am teaching the 4 & 5 year old Sunday School class once a month at church. So, I guess Thatís going to help. I hope.

7:45 a.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 21, 2004
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