sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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When Hunger Equals Emptiness.

I don't think I can write this all out coherently, but I will try. I may end up just going the stream of consciousness route...so try to stay interested.

I want to talk about my hunger. I've been thinking about my feeling and food and my relationship with food and my body and all that kind of stuff.

This morning I had 2 eggs, 2 pieces of high fiber toast, a small apple, and some milk for breakfast. I brought grapes for a snack and ate that as well as a 2 points bar this morning at work. I drank 32 oz of water before lunch. I ate my breakfast at around 8 am. Lunch is at 1.

I noticed as I walked down to the cafeteria that I had an empty feeling in my stomach. It's the feeling I identify as hungry. But as I was walking down there...I realized I felt more empty than hungry. In my head, I wanted to fill that emptiness with stuff. Stuff like cookies, motzerella sticks, cheese burgers and brownies. I wanted to gorge until I felt full. Not until my hunger was satisfied...but until I felt full.

Instead of all of that, I purchased a salmon blt sandwhich on pannini bread, a cup of yogurt and in a moment of weakness, a chocolate chip cookie. I refilled my water and came back upstairs to my computer. By the time I sat down, the sandwhich looked horrible to me. I had no desire to eat or look at it. So I ate my cookie. But I still felt empty. So I trolled around online for a while. Then, I started to feel more hungry than empty and suddenly the sandwhich looked deliscious. I ate it (And now stink to high heaven) and it was good. I am now finishing my yogurt as I type and that is yummy.

The feeling inside me now is ... I don't know how to describe it. You know how if you are hungry and you eat a TON of carrot sticks and you might feel non-hungry but you don't feel full? That's how I feel. Not full. Like I have a stomach full of cabage or lettuce, but nothing of substance. And what would be substance? Anything with fat. Cake, donuts, cheetos, a can of soda.

It is interesting processing this.

Also, while I was in the cafeteria looking for a somewhat healthy meal, I started to feel panicky. As if I would not find anything to fill the void in my stomach. Scared and panicky...that is how I felt. That is the feeling that push me towards wanting to binge and gorge. It is gluttony, is it not?

I wonder how I can change this as I move forward? It is comfortable to feel full. It is not comfortable to not feel full. I like the comfort and long for it. But it's not good for me...or healthy. Why does my body crave the stuff that is bad for it? Why doesn't it crave the stuff it really needs to be healthy? Why is my head so messed up where food is concerned.

It's like a young girl confusing sex with love. Sex is not love. Sex is sex. Food is not comfort. Food is not Full. How in the heck do I change all of this? I think I am on the right road even realising this much. But how do I move further on?

It's not just about the food. It's about the feeling food gives me. It's about fearing the emptiness and embracising the fullness. Except I cannot walk in a constant state of fullness...at least filling myself with the horrible foods I'd been chosing. It's unhealthy and out of control. I thought I was in control, but now I see it is the food and my feelings that are controlling me.

The other night Supe asked me if I am successful with WW this time, would I stop the process of getting the surgery. I got mad at him and snapped. This is all so sensitive to me and I didn't really have a good answer for him other than that I have done this all before. Join WW, gone on diets, changed my lifestyle all to lose weight. And it always works...for a time. Then I end up gaining back what I lost and then some. That is my fear. That I will say, "To heck with the surgery! WW is working" and do fine for a time...only to quit and gain it all (plus some) back again and have to start all over.

So now you know. I am a food addict. Like it was a big surprise. But I am and I don't know how to break it other than to limit the amounts and types of food I can eat through surgery.

No you know my food neurosis. Welcome to my world.

In other news, it would appear that I am indeed still allergic to shellfish. The lovely salmon sandwhich I had for lunch must have been made on or near some shrimp as not 3 minutes after finishing it, I began to have a lovely allergic reaction to it. I ran around looking for benedril before running to the small convenience store in our building and purchasing some. I immediately opened the package, took 4 and was fine...though I feel like a truck hit me. I just want to go home, curl up in bed and sleep.

I tried to call the cafeteria but they had already closed for the day. Sheesh. I know they can't keep up with all the food allergies in the world, but do NOT make things that have touched the shrimp! I will know better than to purchase lunches from there on shrimp/crab/lobster meal days.

Someone once told me food allergies will eventually go away, especially if you develope them late in life. I developed this allergy when I was 18. Still shows no sign of abating. Darn it. I would give my eye teeth for a crabcake. I've never had one and the whole time I lived in MD, I longed for one. Then, last night they showed an ad for Outback Steakhouse and their new feature, Crabcakes, and I lusted.

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A Year Ago Today: February 06, A New Start and an SM Story

We got 2 more inches of snow.

My eye doctorís office called and my new glasses are in! Sweet! I am going to pick them up on my way home from work tonight.

It will be a busy night though as I have to clean. My folks are coming to visit this weekend and itís always somewhat intimidating when my mom stops by my place. Iíve never been able to fully overcome that "Mom" intimidation factor.

SB is going to a cribbage competition at some bar in Cambridge. He goes every Thursday with his sister, her husband and a mutual friend of theirs. It is actually somewhat nice to get him out of the house for a change.

OH! Speaking of which! The big, big news is that SB found a job! I think I mentioned it before, but he took his truck to the Amoco station down the street from our apartment for an oil change. While there, he started shooting the breeze with the mechanic, telling him all about his story and whatnot. The guy seemed interested and SB asked if they would happen to have any part time jobs there. The guy said they did, took SBís number and said they would call him in for an interview.

2 days later they call him in for a training session. Turns out SB had been shooting the breeze with the owner of the place. This Amoco is independently owned rather than corporately owned by the selfish conglomerate that fired my honey in May. SB went in for training and it turns out that even though they are indy owned, they still use all the same machines and stuff the big guys use. So SB knew the score and even showed the trainer a thing or two! They canít wait to get him started. Now it is just a matter of negotiating pay and hours. SB cannot believe they are so excited about hiring him. But I can. He is a really great guy and works well with people. He knows his stuff and customers love him. His old customers were so bummed when he left (read was fired) in May. This new place is all about making accommodations for his MD and they are less than 200 yards from our front door!

So, Thatís whatís been happening here.

I will leave you with an SM story (Remember SM is my bossís wife and hence my boss by default.

SM gets into work today and asks me if Fed Ex delivered anything for her or her husband CM yesterday. They werenít here because CM was at the airport trying to get out of town for a managers meeting. Anyway, I said no...nothing was delivered for them. SM then asks if maybe something came and I put it in CMís office? Nope...nothing came. SM then asks if maybe it came by UPS then? The answer...still no. Nothing came for either of them yesterday, today, or any day this week. She then says what she always says, "Thatís Odd...we were expecting something." As if by expecting it, it should magically appear. So she got over that.

Later, she asks aloud if anyone is going to Caribou to get coffee. Everyone within earshot says no. The assistant manager JH walks in and she asks him if he is going to go get coffee, he says no. She then shouts, "AMY!" I say, "Yes?" And she says, "Are you going to go get coffee?" I say, "No." She pauses and says, "Do you want to?" Hmmmm let me think about thisÖ Do I want to go get coffee...for just her? Go out in the bitter 5-degree weather, drive 5 miles to the nearest Caribou, buy her a coffee and drive back? Mmmmmm...NO! So I say, "Not really." And she says, "Damn, I really felt like having some coffee." Hello! Whatever happened to getting into your own car with your own two legs and driving your own self to Caribou and buying your own coffee? I mean some peopleís kids! I am the office administrator, not the office coffee-getter.

Anyway, I am off to go get my new glasses! Woo hoo!

1:39 p.m. - Friday, Feb. 06, 2004
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