sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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More of the Same

I don't know what is up with the weather here. Yesterday, out of nowhere we had a snowstorm. No one predicted it. It "surprized" everyone. Near whiteout conditions, ice and snow created havoc on the roads and commuters. As fast as it appeared, it was gone, leaving 3-4 inches of snow and several car accidents in its wake. Today it is sunny, clear, and warming up. Weird Spring Minnesota weather.

Sunny skies notwithstanding, I am deep in the downward spiral of depression. I hate this. I haven't had a bout this bad since before I was married. Poor Supe. He's worried about me and not sure how to deal with this. I wish I could go through it without it affecting him at all. But that's not the way it works.

Last night I went to bed and cried and cried. He came in and held me. He wanted to know why I was crying and I was afraid to tell him. I just feel so worthless. I feel like nothing I do really matters. My job is just a job...not a career. It doesn't really benefit anyone or help anyone. It doesn't make a difference for eternity.

It doesn't really matter what I write here. It doesn't matter what I do in life. I just feel like a total loser. Worthless, hopeless, empty. Writing that down seems cheesy. But it's what I'm feeling.

Last night I was sobbing, crying, hurting so badly. So sad. So broken. So empty. I just wanted to die. Pills were calling, but I made no plan. There are NO PLANS made. I just wanted it to all be over.

I ended up crying myself to sleep and slept well until morning. But I woke up so tired and worn out. I feel better, but still not like me. This will be a difficult day. I wish I could have stayed home, in bed, under the covers. Work is stressful right now. One of our phone team members is on vacation, our systems person had a death in the family and our boss is at a training thing-y in AZ. This shouldn't make things excessively busy at work, but it does. It just goes to show that we do need more people on the phone team. Even if it's only seasonally from December through April.

Anyway, that's what's going on here. I hate this. I probably need to go see my shrink and have him up my Celexa dosage, but I hate to do that. I feel like such a failure. I know in my head that depression, for me, is a chemical imbalance and is cyclical. It's not something I can change by thinking pleasan thoughts or trying harder, but still...I wish I could fix myself. I hate that Supe has to be impacted by my depression too. He's so wonderful and so amazing and just loves me no matter what, but I hate hurting him when I am hurting.

It is going to take all my strength to get through today. I've only been at work for an hour and had to take a break. It's physically exhausting to answer these phones when it seems I am doing all I can to get through the day. I just need to keep in mind that this is only temporary. I will make it through and things will be better again some day. I just have to keep believing that.

--------------------------------------- >--------------------------------------- About a Year Ago Today: March 07, 2003: "D" is For Depression and Diagnosis

Today's entry brought to you by Alphabytes and the letter "D" for:

de×pres×sion

1. The condition of being depressed.

2. An area that is sunk below its surroundings; a hollow.

3. The condition of feeling sad or despondent.

4. Psychology A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression.

5.A reduction in activity or force.A reduction in physiological vigor or activity: a depression in respiration.

A lowering in amount, degree, or position.

6. Economics A period of drastic decline in a national or international economy, characterized by decreasing business activity, falling prices, and unemployment.

7. Meteorology A region of low barometric pressure.

8. The angular distance below the horizontal plane through the point of observation.

9. Astronomy The angular distance of a celestial body below the horizon.

Wow! Who knew there were so many definitions of depression? "D" is for Depression. Man do I know that song and dance. Ever since I was about 13 or 14...maybe even before that, I have struggled with depression. Who knows where it started. Probably in puberty. I was such an emotional child. Crying at the least little thing. I probably have a proclivity for melancholy.

I didn't really own up to the depression until I was in my late 20's. I knew it was there but I thought it was a character defect. A flaw in my makeup. My own personal demon.

I thought of killing myself several times but never had the gall to complete the task. Or even really attempt it. I once came close to consuming a bottle of pills in college, but the thought scared me so bad, I sought out my Dorm RD and talked to her about it. I also sought counseling on campus and got some help that way.

But, about the time I was 27, had really hit rock bottom. I was seeing a counselor but hadn't revealed my deep depression to her. I got a prescription for Paxil from my physician with little or no trouble. The Paxil caused me to have horrific nightmares each and every night and when I found that out, I quit the Paxil cold turkey (never EVER do that!). As a result of that mixed with a bad self image, bad job fit, and mid-mid life crises, I developed a plan to end my life and thus put everyone around me out of their misery too. (This is truly what I thought...that I was miserable so I must have been making everyone else miserable too. So my death would be a relief.)

I planned to sit in my car in the garage. My parents were leaving for a weekend overnight and wouldn't be home to find me right away. I left a note at work that said I was leaving early but would see everyone on Monday if I survived that long. I thought it was cryptic and clever. Someone there took me seriously and called my sister-in-law who had worked there before me. She, in turn, called my mother who confronted me. It turned into a horrible scene...one I hope to never repeat in my lifetime.

Mom and Dad cancelled their trip, called my counselor, got the psych on call and I ended up checking myself into a hospital. The first night was the worst. They put me in the wing with all the psychotic people because they didn't have a bed free on the other side. They took everything away from me and I could only watch TV at certain hours and only if they buzzed me into the TV room. There were lots of people moaning and screaming. It was really quite frightening.

I was in the hospital for a whole week. Then my insurance ran out. In that one week I had determined to turn my life around. I determined that I would never return to the hospital for psychiatric reasons again. There were people there who came every year...or several times a year. I said that would not be me.

I also determined that I would go back to school. I did that and got an Associate of Arts degree at a local community college with a final grade point in the high 3s! I made the dean's list each semester! Woo hoo!

Since that time, I have faced the reality of depression. I continued counseling with my counselor and worked through lots of issues with her. I finally found an anti depressant that works for me...It's called Celexa. No real side effects, but It's really good at balancing the chemicals in my brain.

I learned that depression is NOT my fault, but not treating it is. There are so many ways to cope with and treat depression, there is no excuse not to. It's losing its stigma...thank goodness. So many people struggle with it now, It's more the norm than not. I am glad that God surrounded me with family and friends who love and support me through all my ups and downs in learning to live with and treat my chemical imbalance and subsequent depressions. They, as much as anything, have been critical in my good mental and physical health. I would be so much worse of without all of them.

On to other things. SB's doctor called. She wants more blood. She is pretty certain his kidneys are OK. But now she is concerned about his blood. His red blood cell count was WAY up. That could mean a problem with his bone marrow. She asked him if he would mind being hospitalized until all the tests came back. He asked her if he would just be laying around waiting and she said he would. He then asked if it would be OK if he just stayed home and agreed not to do anything other than normal household things. She OK'd that. So, SB went in this morning to give more blood and then It's back home and more waiting.

He seems to be feeling better today though. The diuretic they gave him is working. His swelling and puffiness has gone down and he is able to lay down for longer periods of sleep without breathing problems. So That's good news!

I am scheduled to have a hydroscan on Tuesday. Don't know what it is, but I have to go to radiology and have to fast beforehand. My rad sister-in-law is taking me so SB can rest. The doctor said it could take 2 hours and they will give me a morphine IV. Hopefully after this, they will know more about what the pain in my side is all about.

So our weekend is jam-packed full of nothing. Just resting for SB and more knitting for me!

Thanks for reading.

A Year Ago Today: March 08, 2003: "E" is for Exuberance and Energy (Or Lack Thereof)

Today's entry is brought to you by Alphabytes and the letter "E" for Exuberance:

1.) The quality or condition of being exuberant.

2.) An exuberant act or expression.

Today I refer to the exuberance of youth. The other day I was sitting in a pizza joint in South Minneapolis. I was there waiting for my knitting class to start. The only other people in the place were some high school kids. There were 5 of them: 3 girls and 2 boys. They were obviously good friends. Their laughter and teasing just rocked the place. They had an energy all their own. Remember that energy? Remember youth? For one minute I wished it was me. I wished I could go back to my youth and experience the energy, vitality and vigor of my teenage years. That time when I thought I knew everything and no one could tell me differently.

But then I remember how painful that time also was and I am glad I am where I am right now. Older, wiser, responsible, married and finding my way farther into adulthood.

So, It's Saturday here and not much is going on. Just hanging out with my hubby and cat. I did clean our place and watched a movie with Bill Pullman and Brad Pitt called The Favor. Good show, never heard of it before.

It's a slow day so not much to write. Thanks for reading.

10:10 a.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 09, 2004
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