sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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More For Friday

Work is not that great. I mean, I have work and I'm getting it done, but I feel like the interpersonal stuff is all wrong somehow. I know it's probably completely and totally me being paranoid, but I feel like people are watching me to see if I slip up and then are talking about it with each other or telling my boss about it. I don't know. I'm not sure how to explain it. It all just feels so off. I am working hard and getting lots of work done but my boss isn't one who says, "Hey Amy, you're doing a great job! Keep up the good work." So I just tend to continue to take on more and more stuff, hoping someone will notice how hard I'm working. Type A anyone much? I am so looking forward to my surgery...just for a break from work if nothing else.

So many people have talked to Supe about taking up mariju@na for pain relief. I'm not sure what I think about that. I grew up never smoking or taking drugs. I am so lilly white suburban girl as far as drugs are concerned. He has quite the colorful past and has tried drugs. He wishes he could find a doctor to perscribe it for him so he could use it legally. I worry about so much stuff and maybe some of it is unfounded. Stuff like, what if it leads to other drug use...it is, afterall the gateway drug! What if he uses it and it doesn't work for pain, but he gets hooked? What if he uses it and someone in our building reports us and we get kicked out because we signed a "no drug use" clause? See? I worry.

OK people, I am getting the idea...look into buying a condo. Actually I am ALL for it. It is Supe that has the problem with it. He worries we may buy next to horrible neighbors and be stuck there with them. Or we will be landlocked. He wants a house because he wants land. Lots and lots of land. Land as far as the eye can see. I think he is being a little shortsighted because who in the world is going to end up caring for all that land? Yep...me. Or the lawn service we will have to shell out bucks to. In any case, I will continue to make a case for condos and see where it gets me. Thanks though! I appreciate all the suggestions.

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About A Year Ago Today and This Weekend:

May 13, 2003 That MN Season Other Than Winter and A New Shower Gift Idea

It is now obviously NOT winter around here anymore. How do I know? Because of the slow traffic and proliferation of orange traffic cones. It is construction season! What irritates me is that MNDoT has decided it is imperative to repair every single road I could possibly take to work. No matter which of the 3 or 4 routes I take, there is construction, lane closures, road closures, and frustration. Argh!

Over the weekend I was torturing myself by watching A Baby Story on TLC. One of the women had a really cool baby shower. Since they were having their 2nd or 3rd child, all her friends and family came over with food for their freezer. They all brought casseroles (The MN term is Hotdish!), soups, sauces, etc. It was so cool! That way her family is fed while sheís in the hospital as well as when she is home recouping from labor and lack of sleep. You could take it one-step farther and have them add the recipe to the dish they brought so if your family likes it, you can make it again. I am really hip to that idea. It rocked me for some reason.

There is supposed to be a lunar eclipse on Thursday night around 10pm. I guess there are 4 in the next 18 months. Sweet Baboo and I will be outside checking it out. Unfortunately, I thought it was last night so we stood outside for a half an hour for nothing! Well, not for nothing. The night was beautiful! The air was warm, there was a light breeze, and we could hear the frogs from the pond across the road. Very nice night.

Oh...we tried Maisey on her harness and lead last night. She was not thrilled with it. She kept falling on her side as if it was pushing her down. She did like being outside though! At one point, she was exploring and ran out of lead rope. So she tried to get out of the harness and almost succeeded. But SB and I think she will learn that the benefits outweigh the discomfort and will really come to enjoy it. (Letís hope so.) The kids really liked seeing her outside!

SB is going to the Twins game tonight with his friend P. The Twins are playing Kansas City so it should be a good game. SB got the tickets free for volunteering with the Salvation Army this Christmas Season. Not only did he receive free tickets, but there is a tailgating party with free food and drink before the game. So, it should be a good night for him.

I am going home and watching American Idol. Only 3 left with my man Clay being one of the 3. I like Ruben too, but Clay is my main man. And they FINALLY got rid of Marine Man last week! Woo hoo! He only either shouted or twanged his songs. I think Ruben will probably win, but itís still so much fun to watch.

So Thatís it today. Not much going on here right now, which is the way I like it for the most part. For us an exciting life seems to mean health and financial problems. For it to be quiet right now is a relief.

Thanks for reading!

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May 14, 2003 I Love the 80ís and A Large Gift of Immense Proportions

I almost got into an accident today on my way to work. I will never understand how traffic can come to a complete stop on the Crosstown when we were JUST driving at 55 and all the cars ahead of us are driving 55 and spaced evenly apart. Itís so weird.

I was trying to get into the left lane and was looking behind me (Check that blind spot people!) and when I looked ahead, the back bumper of the truck in front of me was completely still and WAY too close. Man I just missed completely crumpling my little car. Thank you God! Then I had to contend with rapid just-missed-having-an-accident heartbeat for 20 more minutes. Whew!

I was channel surfing last night after American Idol. (Go Clay! Shut up! I know he messed up his first song, but the last 2 rocked!) And I came across some weird thing on E. The first thing that caught my attention was this puppet. It was a skinny brash old woman puppet. Remember her? Her name is Madame. I think the guy that "handles" her is named Waylon Flowers or something like that. I have not thought of this puppet woman for years! I think she caught on in the early 80ís. Wasnít she on Solid Gold with Shadoe Stevens? But then she had her own show.

Anyway, she/he was the MC of some Body Builder/Muscle contest. The judge of the contest was Anna Nicole Smith. Now, I was wondering...how desperate for a title and recognition do you have to be to enter a contest where Madame is the MC and Anna is the judge? Soooo weird! I donít know who won...I just kept surfing.

I also found VH1ís show, "I love the 80ís". That is a fun show. Last night they did 1981 and 1985. I turned 13 in 1980 and have always had an affinity for all things 80ís. They covered some stuff I had forgotten. Remember Members Only jackets.; The Brat Pack. Oh! And Pretty In Pink was on AMC the other night and I was LOVING it. Although the fashions donít translate well anymore. No one wears turquoise shirts with white Miami Vice suits anymore, let alone to school. Sheesh! Plus, what is with the first names of all the characters? Molly Ringwaldís character is Andie, Andrew McCarthyís character is Blane, and James Spader is Steff. Weird. I remember thinking so then too.

Speaking of blasts from the past...guess who is coming to our neck of the woods in November? Rick Springfield. Also, I think David Cassidy is coming this weekend. I will not be going to either concert. I did see Rick when I was a hormone laddened teenage girl. I went with my friend K. Rick played the coliseum and I got tickets on the main floor. I had all his albums and watched him as Dr. Noah Drake on General Hospital. I WAS a big fan, but that was 21 years ago (or so.) Oh but those were the days.

Remember a while back I wrote that there was a guy at our church who wanted to pay off SBís truck loan? Well, he knows we now have some hospital bills and stuff right now, so instead, he gave us a much larger check than we imagined. We canít believe it. SB is going to use most of it to pay on his truck and pay down the principle. The rest we will use to pay some off our hospital bills and we will use a little bit for our vacation in 3 weeks. We figure we will still have enough to give to a family in need we know here in the Cities. We are paying it forward baby. What a huge relief though. We were excited for our vacation, though somewhat dreading it because, though we had most of it paid off in advance, we were planning on using credit for the rest and that wasnít our ideal choice. But now we donít have to worry about that. Yay! Thanks God! It is hard to fathom how someone can do such an amazing thing for us. We can hardly get our minds wrapped around it. Wow!

Today I go to see my psychiatrist. I only go once every 3 months for a half an hour now. Mostly he just checks me over to make sure the antidepressants are working and doing their job. I think they are. I have felt pretty even throughout most of the summer. Maybe now I can lower the dosage.

OK...I know no one ever watches this show, but on Mr. Personality Hayley chose Chris! Mr. Hypnosis freaky weird guy! Yuck! it is now between him and Will. Will was my favorite, not just because he is a millionaire! But also because he was most able to open up to Hayley. But now he is kind of broody and jealous and has gotten so emotionally attached. I think she should have chosen Peyton and Will. I really think she blew it. Not that it matters in the large scheme of things at all, but Itís fascinating to watch.

Thanks for reading!

May 15, 2003 Neighborhood kids and Driving a Computer

Itís a beautiful day in the neighborhood! This is what Spring is all about.

Last night I put the harness and lead on Maisey to take her outside. She likes the outside, but HATES the harness. But as soon as she was on the ground, a gang of little kids came over and wanted to know if they could pet her. So, we met most of the kids from our neighborhood. They were so funny and Maisey LOVED the attention. Sweet Baboo made lots of friends by handing out snack packs of M&Ms. It was so cute!

I met Michelle, Anna, Claire, Morgan, Jordan, and Matthew. Nice kids and fun to have around. They told me I had to bring Maisey outside every day. Then they wondered if she would go swimming when the pool opened. Ummmm no. Too funny!

So on American Idol Itís down to Clay and Ruben. Truthfully, I think Ruben should win. But I love me some geeky Clay. I donít think not getting the office title of "American Idol" will hurt Kimberly or Clay. The chance are pretty good that they will get some kind of music contract anyway.

My bosses CM and SM are out of the office today and tomorrow and that should slow things down considerably around here. Yesterday they were talking to me about how well I do on the computer. I had just managed to learn how to print the screen to get SM some info she needed. No big deal, but it was something I hadnít known how to do before. Then SM says, "Amy Itís so odd that you can do so well on the computer and yet whenever I ask you to help me with my computer, you donít know how to do it." I explained that knowing how to drive the car (computer) and knowing how to fix the car (computer) are 2 different things and while I am great at using the computer, I no nothing about how to fix it which is usually what she needs when she asks me to help her. I reminded her that we also have 2 different types of computers and 2 different types of operating systems, but of course that means nothing to her.

Sweet Baboo gave me some money to get some clothes. Yay! I really, really need some Spring/Summer clothes. I need a couple of things for work and really need some stuff to wear on our vacation. Canít wait to go shopping!

It turns out I am going to be in Madison over Memorial day weekend! Yay! I canít wait. I will miss SB, but it will be fun to be able to see some friends again. I can hardly wait. So, a week from tomorrow I am on my way and the weekend after that is vacation! Yippee!

Enjoy the day and thanks for reading.

Today is THE MOST beautiful day ever! Itís so amazing. The sun is out, Itís 75 degrees, and there are fluffy little white things floating on the light spring breezes.

One of the agents brought me a cut of lilacs and my office smells incredible! Love the smell of lilacs. They smell like Spring to me.

Tonight is the lunar eclipse. Will let you know how it turns out.

I have money to go shopping and am dreading it! I feel like because I am overweight I donít deserve to look nice, or pretty or attractive. I know thatís not whatís real. But Thatís how I feel right now.

I am thinking about the surgery again.

May 16, 2003 (Total Eclipse of the Moon and Hating My Body

Another beautiful day here in the Midwest! The lilacs on my desk smell spectacular! My whole office is full of the heady scent of spring lilacs. Mmmmmmmmmm.

I went shopping last night and ended up getting a lot for my money. I went to Catherineís and got 3 pairs of shorts, a pair of jeans, and 4 tops. They were having a big sale and I bought a savings card, which gave me another 10% off. I am going to go back today and get a new bathing suit. I didnít have enough to get one yesterday, but SB gave me some more in order to get a suit.

Let me tell you though that I am considering the surgery more than ever after the clothes buying of yesterday. I donít know what has happened to me. I used to stay the same size season after season and could wear my shorts from one summer to the next. But lately I just keep growing and growing and growing. Pretty soon I will run out of large sizes to grow into. I need to do something! I am not happy with my body and yet I feel helpless and powerless to do anything about it right now. Somehow, food is feeding something inside me that feels scared at the thought of not being filled. I have struggled with it my whole life and still havenít figured out what that thing is.

Saw the eclipse last night. Very cool. The night was warm, gentle breeze and frogs croaking in the background. Sweet Baboo and I and several others from our apartment complex were out in the parking lot enjoying the show.

I gave SB and haircut last night. I had it all short and spiffy and went to trim his neck and shape it and I messed up. So at his prompting, ended up shaving his whole head. He is bald.

Maisey is getting more used to being outside on the lead. She doesnít like the lead now. She wants to explore beyond its boundaries and gets all wigged when she canít go further. New kids came over yesterday to see her. Jorge, Raymundo, Hayley and MacKenzie. Hayley and MacKenzie are 2-year-old twins and are CUTE! Maisey wasnít as accommodating to them today, but still enjoyed the attention.

This weekend could be busy if I let it. I have to clean our apartment. Itís horrible! I should also clean out the grill we have. I am going to bring it back to WI with me and dad and I are going to look for parts for it to see if we can get it to work. It was free...if it doesnít work, no big deal. There is also a graduation party in the works and a new home business party for a friend of mine. I donít know what I will end up doing, but I do know that SB works, so I will kind of be on my own for the first weekend in...I canít remember when.

This online journaling thing is not just an outlet for me to vent and rant and rave. Itís also a small community of writers, ranters, ravers who share their lives. One of the women Iíve read fairly regularly is in trouble. She is recently married and the apartment she and her new husband shared burnt to the ground. They lost everything, including their beloved doggie, Murphy. There is a fund set up to help them. If you have been blessed, cold you please go to this link and help. Sweet Baboo and I gave because we have been in need and have been helped by so many people. We want to pay it forward. I hope you do too. Thanks for reading and helping!

http://www.ackrite.org

If you want to know more about Chris and Allison, check out Alís website at

http://www.hateyourdaddy.com/. Chris and Al live in Atlanta, GA.

4:52 p.m. - Friday, May. 14, 2004
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