sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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Surprizes Today

Our work event was fun and sad. We played games in teams which meant mixing with quite a few people I did not know. It was fun and a great way to get to know people. Our group rocked on the first 3 games, but blew it on the last 2. Alas, we did not win the big prizes, but fun was had by all.

The sad part was saying good by to our company Prez. He took another job and is moving to OH to be nearer to his family and his wife's family. He is much beloved around here due to his work philosophy, "Work hard, make lots of money, HAVE FUN!" He was a very down to eart guy and knew everyone by name. He would not hang out in the ivory tower of Big Bank Co Prezes, but would often be found mixing it up with the masses. There was a great video send off and some photos from past events. It was the perfect cap to what is probably our last work event.

OMG! I just got a call from Supe and he said we may soon be pre-qualified to purchase a home! I never, in a million years believed it would be true...especially so soon. We don't qualify for a lot, so we may have to move a far piece out, but the rate is pretty good for now. Also, they have a program offering no money down to purchase, which is good because all our savings went out the window with Supe's new health issues. We are going to look for a townhouse or condo to start. There are a couple of things we need to take care of first though, that could flush the entire thing down the crapper, but hopefully, it will all get worked out. Most of it has to do with Supe's school loans and governmental red tape, so it's not that we're not diligent in taking care of it as much as they have 27 million hoops for us to jump through as we go. Just when we think we are finished with the dog and pony tricks, they throw another one at us.

All I can say is, whatever we buy MUST come with a washer and dryer (though not a Bosch by any means.) and the main living area MUST be one level.

I am not getting my hopes up just yet. But it is good, good news for once. Oh! I almost forgot. If this doesn't blow up in our faces, we can work the financing of a new van into the deal so Supe can finally have his wheels. Better interest rate than we would get from a dealer, too! Score!

We are also allowed to use whatever realator we want. I am going to do some research on that this weekend...or maybe when I get home from the hospital. Any local people are welcome to send me referals and suggestions.

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4 more days until the surgery. Tonight I am going to pre-pack my hospital bag so I am sure not to forget anything.

The hospital called this afternoon and went over the list of stuff I should bring, not bring and be aware of. So I believe I am officially sent to go.

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Supe had a bone marrow biopsy today. He said it was one of the most painful things he has ever had to endure. I wish I had been able to be there with him, but one of his sisters was and I was more than grateful for that. We should have the results in 2 or 3 weeks.

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Can I just use this space here to mention how much I LOVE Supe's sisters? I don't know what we would have done without them these past couple of weeks. (Did I say weeks? I mean years!) Thanks Supe's sisters!

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A Year Ago Today: May 20, 2003 Spring into Fall and Medical Conditions

Happy Birthday Carolyn! Hope your day is filled with grace and peace and the California sunshine!

Ok, weíve jumped from spring right into Fall. I am freezing today. Itís 40 degrees outside and our building is even colder because the air is on. Brrrrrr!

Yesterday wasnít much of a day. I just called into Ian Punnetís show on FM107. Heís talking about the death of Ray Shermanís son and the weird details surrounding his death. Ian shared some details of his own life and his personal thoughts about death. I called in to talk about my struggle with depression and my former suicidal desires. I have finally come to understand that my depression stems from a chemical imbalance. Just like diabetes and high blood pressure are physical illnesses, I have a mental illness that must be treated with medication. I happen to take Celexa. But that balances my brain chemicals just like insulin injections balances the body chemicals for diabetics. Depression is sooooo stigmatized. Even after all we have learned and all we know. I tried to hide for so long...and that almost became my undoing. I know now that I need it to be out in the open so I can have help from others.

I remember when my friend C was struggling with her diagnosis of diabetes. Her blood sugar would plummet and she would turn into another person, getting all grumpy and argumentative, insisting that she was fine and didnít need her levels checked or a glass of juice. Often, her roommates would have to run her to the hospital as she was in danger of slipping into a coma.

This is similar to my struggle with depression. Once my friends and family knew about it, they could learn the warning signs and could take steps to help me stay safe and healthy.

Maybe thatís what I need in my struggle with food. Except I am fiercely protective of my relationship with food. I tend to get really agitated and angry when people try to intervene in my eating habits...even if itís for my health and best interest. I canít seem to let go. Even though my clothes are larger than a 4-person tent. Even though I canít fit into a regular airplane seat, restaurant booth, or theme park ride. Even though I get winded walking from my car to my apartment. Even though I canít do things I used to do without even thinking about it or getting winded. Even though my back hurts from carrying all this extra weight. Even though I hate my body and my lack of physical proweress. I am still powerless to stop eating and stop eating the wrong things. Something has a hold on me. Maybe itís that I donít know what the root is and if I were to figure that out, I could get better. Maybe itís that food is more powerful to me than feeling healthy and looking good. I wish I could figure it out.

SB and I are looking forward to our vacation! It will be nice to get away and not have to get up at a set time or go to bed at a set time. We donít have any plans...just hope to have nice weather and a good time. We canít wait!

Thanks For Reading!

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May 20, 2003 Bonus Work Complaint and a Crapptacular Day at Work

I should have stayed home today. I was sooooo tempted to but didnít really have a good reason to do it. But now I do. Itís that time of month. Just became that time of month. And my boss who wasnít supposed to be in today suddenly showed up and has been in my face since his arrival.

I know he gets stressed when his bosses are after him, but must that be taken out on me?

3 weeks ago we had a guy come to our office from the Home Office. He was here to go over our recruiting and our business and find ways to make more money and increase our business. The only thing that affected me from this visit was a report that I was supposed to put together with the commissions of all our new agents in the last year. I canít tell you how much this report has been the Bain of my existence. Itís new, it deals with numbers and figures I am not familiar with and it requires going back and finding stats on people that havenít been here in over 8 months.

None of this is overly hard, but I found out that all (or most) of the other BSMs are doing this report themselves and sending it in the the bigwig. In addition, CM expects me to do it and send it to him so he can send it to the bigwig.

I finally got it done and sent it to the bigwig to see if it includes the info he wants. He called me this morning and said it looked great but he was needing different info than what I provided. So then CM came in and asked about the report and I told him what happened and he just blew a gasket. He said Iíve had 3 weeks to get it together and what is my problem? I explained that itís a new report and Iím not familiar with the numbers and have had a difficult time getting help.

He didnít go as far as calling me stupid, but he might as well have. He said Iíve been here too long to just blow this off and he thinks Iíve just been sitting on my butt and making stuff up as I go.

I am only doing this report in the first place, because he doesnít have to first clue where to find this stuff or how to put it together and heís frustrated that he canít explain it better to me because he doesnít know how to do it either.

He later apologized, but man...way to ruin my day. I finally found another manager who was willing to help me and I think I may have it right now. I hope. I hate my job on days like this. The 1000 other things I do right go unnoticed altogether compared to the 1 thing I do wrong. Blech!

4:15 p.m. - Thursday, May. 20, 2004
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