sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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Where I Want to Be

We had a pretty good weekend.

Friday, I got off of work and sped home so we could pack and get ready for our camping extravaganza. I walked in the door and remembered I forgot to pick up Bob's new RX for pain at the pharmacy. So I hightailed it back out and to the pharmacy and back.

When I got home, Bob was awake and getting things ready. But he said his sister had called and they wouldn't be leaving their place for another hour and they live about 45 minutes away from us, so we had time. Still, it was kind of frantic. I packed, Bob got ice, I vacuumed, Bob took things down to the truck. We JUST sat down to rest before the troops came to pick us up and they arrived.

We went downstairs to the truck to see how they were going to get Bob's chair into our pickup. They had made/refurbished a ramp specifically for Bob's dropped tailgate. They set it up and it worked like a charm. There are a couple of things they want to tweak on it before giving it to Bob permanently, but it certainly did wonders for Bob's attitude as now he can be more mobile with what we already have. He just has to set up this ramp, run his chair up or down the ramp, slide the ramp back into the truck and he is good to go. They are amazing.

Anyway, we loaded up and followed the gang to Subway for dinner and then to the campground. It was already getting dark when we got there, I was hormonal from that time of month and pretty much just worn out from a super (unexpectedly) busy day at work and frantic packing job at home after.

The campground was packed. Between the 2 families, we had 3 vehicles and getting them all parked was challenging. I wasn't understanding how they wanted me to park and got frazzled and had a mini meltdown. Then, I managed to get the tent up OK, but our airmattress was hard to inflate and then didn't stay inflated. After that, I had a more major meltdown in the semi-privacy of our truck. I just wanted to rest. Which I did after everything was set up and we started a fire. But by that time, I was freezing and exhausted. We sat there for a couple of hours chatting and then I had to hit the hay.

Bob and I went to bed at the same time. We were both freezing, but we had a warm, comfy sleeping bag and some other blankets so we did manage to stay warm under the covers. It was nice laying there, talking and giggling and teasing each other. Watching our breath rise in the cool midnight air, but holding warm hands under the covers.

When it was still dark out, Bob got up and went out of the tent. Our airmattress was out of air, but under the covers was still warm. I listened for Bob as he struggled to stand up from the ground. I hoped he would call out for help. He never did and eventually I heard the truck door slam, so I knew he was staying in the truck. Poor guy. He was in alot of pain and sleeping on the ground wasn't helping matters any.

I awoke several times over the next couple hours. The first bird call I heard was not the sweet warblings of the chicadee or nuthatch, but the brash, brazen CAW of the annoying blackbird. Bah! And then I heard my sister-in-laws dog rffing at Bob while he did stuff outside. And then I heard quite the fracas between Bob and our neice and nephew. Then I decided to get up. I gathered my stuff, walked to the bathroom and showered. It felt sooooo good. Especially after sleeping in all my clothes which had been soaked in Deep Woods Off in order to keep me bite and West Nile free.

After showering, I returned to find my neice awake, my husband and nephew out exploring, and everyone else asleep. I managed to read a few pages of a new book before everyone else appeared.

We had a good day though. It was so nice to be outside, enjoying the cooler summer weather. We had a yummy breakfast of eggs and spicy Mexican sausage. Then we just hung out and talked. It was nice to catch up on my sister-in-law's life and their recent missions trip to Mexico.

Later on, we all went for a bike ride. Well, Bob scootered, but the rest of us rode bikes. We road down to the lake and rode part way around it. Then we rode to the park and let the kids play while we talked some more. On the way back, it started to rain, but the sun was still out, so we knew it wouldn't last. Just a passing shower. When we got back, I decided I wanted to ride my bike some more, so Bob and I went out by ourselves and had a nice little jaunt around the campground. We also saw a couple of cute little campers that we would LOVE to own one day. We figure our days of tenting are probably about over. Unless we get a great big tent and a cot of some kind so Bob wouldn't have to sleep on the floor.

The rest of the day was spent reading, chatting, laughing, napping and hanging out. Around 4 or so, I began to pack up our camp so we would be ready to go later on. Bob and I had decided that rather than stay another night, we would leave after dark and head for home so he could sleep in his own bed. While I was dismantling camp, a ranger came by on a 4-wheeler and said the national weather service had issued a tornado watch until 10pm. My little neice thought this meant a tornado would be coming through around 10 and she didn't want us to leave then. Hee.

We had hobo dinners for dinner and that was yummy. For desert, the in-laws went to get ice cream and I toasted a marshmellow. Mmmmm.

OH! While we were getting things together for dinner, a bunch of people kind of wandered into our camp. It seems my SIL had run into some people she knew back when and told them where we were and they came to see us. They were sisters, Laurie and Wendy and they knew Bob's family back in the 'hood, back in the day. In fact, Bob said Laurie was his childhood love. Cute! She's still unmarried by the way, but I got Bob! Nice, nice people though and fun meeting some people from back in Bob's day.

We left around 10...just as some thunder and lightning were rolling in. We got home, unloaded, showered and went to bed. And I must say that nothing feels nicer after sleeping on the ground than you own, soft comfy bed. (And airconditioned at that!)

Sunday was a lovely day. It rained in the morning but then the sun came out and heated everything up all nice and toasty. Bob and I did NOTHING! And it felt so good. We slept in and went for a little swim (first time this season.) and just hung out.

Interestingly enough, while I was watching TV and flipping through channels, I saw a show on HGTV on campers and RVs. Bob and I had talked about how all we really need is a covered bedroom area as the rest of the stuff we do while camping is outside. So I watched this with interest. They showed 2 smaller trailers, both of which can be hauled by regular automobiles as they are so lite.

This is the Aliner pop-up camper. It's lightweight and set up in under 1 minute!Same type of camper, different manufactuer.This is my favorite! The T@B trailer. It's so lightweight, a VW bug can pull it and it has a fun, funky retro feel to it. Cute, huh? It also has a fiberglass model that is just as cute. The other model comes in orange, yellow or grey and I love them all!

Now all we need is money for a handicapped accessible van, a handicapped accessible home, adoption fees and one of these campers! We have our priorities straight. That is not to say if we found a nice used one for sale, we wouldn't buy it now...because we just might. But aren't they cute! So cute!

We ended last night having a very frank discussion about adoption and where we want to be in 4 years. We would like to adopt a child 2 years or older as we KNOW that Bob could be a caregiver for a child that is mobile and who, in most cases, could understand instructions and consequences. Bob said he'd like to see me as a mommy before I am 40. I am 36 now. 40 sounds like a long way away. 20 years later than I wanted, but there is hope nonetheless. So, we are planning our lives now and getting our finances in order to pursue those goals. Barring any MORE unforseen circumstances and hospitalizations and medical treatments, we should be OK to go ahead with plans to adopt! Whoo!

All of that and today I was still down. I don't think it's my job. (By the way, today is the 1 year anniversary of my first day here.) I think I am just frustrated because I am not doing what I was made for and have always dreamed of doing. I feel like I am just filling time. Just doing what needs to be done because that's all there is to do for me right now. There is no real fulfillment in it. I like it OK. The people are great. The job has its challenges and I am good at what I do. It's defintely better than what I was doing. But it's not what I want to do. What I want to do is stay home and take care of my husband and our children. And while that is great work if you can get it, the pay sucks.

While we were camping, I was telling SIL some of this stuff and ever blunt, she said that maybe my idea of motherhood is not God's idea of motherhood for me. And while that's true, it hurt to hear it. I can't fathom working full time and missing out on all the stuff the kids are doing at home with Bob. Just thinking about that breaks my heart. That's where I want to be. Will I take what I get. You bet. Will it be easy? No way. But I will take it as it comes and remember that I am not alone.

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A Year Ago Yesterday and Today:

August 01, 2003 T.G.I.F. and Thank God Itís over

My new favorite thing in the whole wide world is Bath and Body Works Bath Foam. Have you experienced this bath nirvana yet? It comes in a can that looks like a mousse dispenser. When it comes out, it looks like shaving gel. But oh! When you start to clean your body with it! It produces a soft foamy lather that can only be compared to TV bubble bath lather.

As a kid, I was always bummed that the bubble bath we were given didnít lather up big and fluffy like it did on TV when ladies or kids bathed. I wanted big soapy bubbles in my bath!

At 35 years old, I now get big soapy lather in my shower! Bath foam. Bath and Body Works. Go get some!

Today is my last day at this job. Itís a tiny little bit sad. Iíve been saying goodbye for the last 2 weeks. Starting next week, I will be saying hello! I will also be training...as in being the one trained, not the one training. Actually Iíve been training my replacement for the past 3 days. Sheís good. I think she will do just fine. But I can see her excitement in making things her own. Making this her office. Making changes. Making this computer hers. Making things comfortable for her. That kind of makes me sad. Not that I donít understand this...I do! But all of this has been mine for over 2 years. I will miss it.

I brought flowers and donuts in for the office today. Kind of a thanks and goodbye thing.

Marshall, Nils and Mary took me to lunch yesterday. Marshall can pinch a penny better than anyone I know. I knew we would be going to a buffet for lunch. But when we got there, they informed us that the buffet is only on Wednesdays. Too bad. But we were there so we ate. It was a nice lunch. Marshall is funny and so transparent. He is 65. He hates computers. He made this big schpiel about how he thinks our company is losing business with the senior market because our agents use computers and the seniors we work with are afraid of them. He said the other companies out there donít use computers yet and their sales havenít been down over the past year at all. But Mary and Nils disagreed. We have a "B" bond rating and our parent company declared bankruptcy. So that probably has more to do with it than our use of computers. How funny is that? Seniors not buying a product because the agent comes to their home with a computer! Ooooooh! How scary! Itís not like they are asked to use it, which might be scary and intimidating, the agent uses it alone. Marshall is too funny. As if we would conceivably go back to the days of typewriters and paperwork because computers are scary! Haha hahah!

So, hopefully today will be good. Glad Itís over and glad today is Friday!

Thanks for reading.

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August 02, Bye Bye Bankers and a nice weekend ahead

Iím done at Bankers! The new gal is as well trained as I could get her. She is quick and has all the tools I could give her, so I think sheíll be fine. Of course, that doesnít mean she will get along with CM or SM. And Marshall has been feisty all week. He seems to have no patience for the new girl and the (minimal) mistakes sheís been making. I hope he doesnít freak her out and make her life miserable there. She is bright and quick and will pick things up quickly if given a chance to do it.

This weekend should be nice. I plan on cleaning today...although I donít have the drive...it just needs to be done. I want to clean our sliding glass doors and do a thorough job of dusting and vacuuming. So, weíll see what happens.

My brother and his family will be in the area tomorrow. We are going to cook out and go swimming at the pool in our complex. Should be fun. I love my nephews and canít wait to see them.

On a totally unrelated note, I talked to my friend who is having all the marital problems due to her psycho husband. They are separating. She is renting a townhouse. He is unwilling to do anything to repair their relationship. He said he is done with counseling and he wonít consider seeing a doctor for a diagnosis or medication for himself. He reminds me and Bob of every weird character that is arrested for murder. He sees visions and has said he hears voices. That guy in TX who murdered his Baylor teammate/roommate said the same thing. I am glad my friend is getting out of that house. I just think he is not in his right mind and that he is dangerous right now. What a waste though. My friend rocks and he is just throwing her away. The good thing is she realizes that itís not her. Itís him, all him, totally him. That no matter who he married, it would have still ended up in the same situation because heís the one that is messed up and not willing to work to make things better. Thatís small consolation, but at least she knows she is doing and has done the very best she can. Heís going to have to answer for a lot one day. Iím just sorry my friend waited her whole life to marry this duffus. She deserves better.

Meanwhile...off to clean!

Thanks for reading.

12:16 p.m. - Monday, Aug. 02, 2004
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