sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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I Can't Believe I Can Wear That!

Every day I am feeling better and better. I got the results of my labs back yesterday and my kidneys are back at 100%. The pharmacist still had to adjust my TPN IV stuff though as I was low on Magnesium and Potassium, so one more week of TPN, I think. I see my doc again on Tuesday for another follow-up.

I am feeling better in other areas too. I had some money saved up to buy clothes when the time came. Well, the time came. All the pants I'd been wearing to work have to be pinned and I am still able to pull them down without unbuttoning or zipping. I had no idea what size I was at anymore, but I needed pants for work.

I went to Wal-mart. I know it's not the height of fashion, but I can't really buy fashion until I reach the size I am going to maintain for life. So, off to Wal-mart I went to see what they had that might fit me. I have to admit, I was so nervous because I was still fearful that nothing would fit.

I grabbed some jeans, some khakis and some black pants to try on. I grabbed the largest size available in all pants. I walked with much trepidation to the fitting rooms and tried on the first pair of pants...and they were too big! Same with the next, the next, and the next. So I went with the next size down and the fit, except for the stretch jeans...I had to go yet one more size down in those. But the good news is...I didn't buy the stretch jeans because I didn't have to! In the past, they would have been my only choice. Other good news? The jeans I bought were Lee brand for only $12! $12! I don't think I have been able to buy jeans at $12 since I bought Body Lingo jeans in 7th grade. I don't feel bad slimming out of $12 jeans. I was so happy that I actually stood there crying in the dressing room. Crying because I haven't worn these sizes in years. I can't believe how good it feels.

It is so hot and steamy today. Everyone is out by the pool and it smells like Ban De Solei. Mmmmm. We have the air on in our apartment and it just feels like a lovely summer day.

I am loving my haircut. It's so easy and breezy to care for. And while my hair is still falling out, it doesn't all come out in huge clumps like it was before. Thanks again Kathy!

Oh...I also found out that I will be home one more full week and then the week of the 13th, I will go back part time. If that goes well, the next week I will be back full time, full steam ahead. My doctor said that for every one day I was ill in the hospital (in bed), it takes 7 full days of healing for me to get back up to speed. That also explains why I get tired out so easily lately and why I nap every afternoon.

Don't forget to watch the MDA telethon this weekend and if you do, maybe send a little something their way to help fund research to cure MD. Thanks! --------------------------------------- About A Year Ago Today: September 02, 2003: Long Weekend Recap

Well, we had a very busy weekend. Friday night began early for us as I got off 2 hours earlier than usual. I got home and Sweet Baboo and I left to run errands and have dinner. We ended up eating at Champps. It was so delicious. It was only my second time eating there, but SB's first. We ate in their screened porch area and it was a perfect evening. Not too hot, not too cold, a light breeze, no bugs, perfect. Aahhh. My only question is why do they make restaurant portions so gigantic? We ended up taking three boxes of food home with us. Sweet Baboo hates leftovers but I really like them. I ended up eating two of the three boxes so far, which has been nice, but my gosh it was such a lot of food!

I almost hate to go out and eat anymore. I feel like a big fat slob and tend to order things I do not necessarily want, but am succumbing to imagined peer and social pressure to eat healthier menu items. When my meal comes, I separate it into two halves, eat one-half, and save the other to take home. I do this whether or not I am still hungry. I do not want people to think I am a big food eating pig. I usually have to do this as the portions are so super huge, but even if I did not have to, I still would.

Sweet Baboo is a member of the clean plate club. He feels guilty if he does not eat all the food put before him. He also tends to have eyes bigger than his stomach and ends up ordering more food than he can eat in one sitting. Since he hates leftovers, he ends up gorging himself on his meal, feeling like a beached whale the rest of the day. I try to get boxes for him too so he does not end up gorging and then I end up eating his leftovers. This only works if I like what he ordered.

Saturday, we got up early so we could get to the fair before the rush. We got there around 7:30 but ended up waiting in line to park for a half an hour. Because we drove Sweet Baboo's truck with the handicap plates, we were able to park right inside the fairgrounds. Right next to the parking lot was a place to rent wheelchairs, strollers, and wagons. They also had electric scooters for rent for $40. SB rented one for me saying that it would help me to keep up with him throughout the day. But really, I needed it for me because I have gained so much weight that a 10 yard walk makes my back and knees hurt so badly, I have to sit down. Not to mention the loss of breath and beating heart. I was embarrassed to ride it, but it really was necessary. We did end up covering a lot of ground that we never would have without it. As I thought about it, I might have had to rent one anyways due to a severe problem I have with blisters when walking for long distances. It is one of the reasons I don’t walk for exercise, but not a very good one.

The fair was super crowded and the scooter was not always fun to ride. When there is a crush of people, the scooter was not so crowd friendly. However, it did make getting around a lot easier on both of us. I guess it is not more annoying or intrusive than strollers and wagons and there were 8 million of those around the fairgrounds. I guess they set an attendance record for the day, which we would have been able to tell anyone, had they asked.

Sunday was a day of rest, literally. We slept in and just lay around. That is, Sweet Baboo did. I had to get ready to go out with my friend D. My friend M gave me two tickets to go see Pride and Prejudice at the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis. It’s not SB's cup of tea, so I took D. It was so much fun! Such a beautiful show and so funny. D and I have both watched the BBC version repeatedly. 6 hours of Jane Austen fun. This play was only 3 hours with intermission, but just as much fun. But again, my fat and unfitness played a part of the night. I was too big to fit comfortably into the seat so I had to squish in and even so, the usher asked if I might try to sit back so the kid next to me could see and enjoy the play too. Kind of an embarrassing moment. Then, the stairs! We had to walk down about 50 stairs to get to our seats in the very front row, but that meant walking back up 50 stairs to get out at intermission and to get out at the end of the play. I did OK, but again, not one of my better moments physically. Still, we did have a lovely time and were able to chat and catch up and that was nice.

D's daughter M stayed at our place with SB and kept him and Maisey company. I guess they had a good time too. They ordered pizza, played games, and watched movies. M said she misses me after having lived with me for 2 years before I got married. I miss her too. However, she needs to stop growing. For Heaven's Sake, she is so tall and slender! She is 11 and is almost as tall as her mother is! Such a beautiful girl.

SB and I got to bed around midnight and slept until 4:30am Monday morning. We had to get up and get to the Mall of America to answer phones for the MDA telethon. Oh were we tired! Even Maisey, who usually gets up with us, was too tired to be bothered with what we were doing and where we were going. She kept meowing angrily at us as though she was urging us to just leave already and let her sleep!

We loaded up he scooter and drove to the Mall. We got there, parked, unloaded the scooter and found a nice security guard who helped us find the accessible way to where we needed to be. We met up with the other early morning volunteers and were given a quick lesson in how to answer the phones and fill out the paperwork, and then it was off to the floor and the phones. Sweet Baboo and I were operators, number 11 and 12. We each took about four calls during our 2-hour shift. We were on TV a couple of times and thought later that we should have been taping during that time. D'oh!

After our shift, we stayed to watch more of the show. It was fun! We met local news talent and had a good time with Reg, a reporter for channel 5. We met many people whose family members either have or had and lost their battle with MD. Many stories were shared. We met some Vikings Cheerleaders and Mrs. Minnesota. Locally, over a million dollars was raised and nationally, over $60 million!

After being involved and watching all the work that went into this, I have made a commitment to get a family team together to work the phones next year. We will be Team M Peers of a Poet on behalf of Sweet Baboo. I have already put the word out. I am also going to be a volunteer on the committee of the Dark Socks Classic golf fundraiser and 5K walk and roll for MD. The event is in July, but committee meetings start Sept 9th. I hope to get a family team together for each of those events as well. I really want to be a part of MDA here in MN and do what I can for the cause. We need to fund research to find a cure and the sooner, the better. It might not happen for SB, but if we can find a cure, we can prevent other people from going through this. It still seems all so new. He was diagnosed about 19 months ago, even though he has struggled with this for years.

I have to say that one of the hosts of the local portion of this telethon was amazing! He is a reporter for KSTP Channel 5 and his name is Reg Chapman. He was professional, funny, and soooo nice. He made Sweet Baboo feel warm and welcomed and was just so super friendly. The other two hosts were OK. Mark Anthony is someone I do not know and did not recognize, but he was nice I guess. However, Rusty Gatenby acted as if he could not be bothered with talking to the crowd, even if we were answering phones or with loved ones who had the disease the telethon was being held for. Reg is our new favorite person at KSTP Channel 5.

While at the mall, we talked to the representative from RollX vans. His name is Todd and he was very nice and quite informative. SB tried his scooter out on the ramp into the van and was impressed. The van they had to show was the top of the line, $45,000 version. It was big, roomy, and easy to get in and out of. We said we were interested but that we would not know what we really needed until SB was assessed for his chair in October. Oh but we liked this van. It was beautiful. We are going to go to their facility in Oct and check out their inventory and factory.

Around 11, Sweet Baboo and I realized that we were zoning in and out and needed some sleep. We got back to the truck about the same time four strapping youths were walking by. They were kind enough to load SB';s scooter into the back of the truck and we were off.

We got home and went right to bed. I slept until four, SB until five. We ordered out for dinner and just had a nice, quiet evening at home. At one point, I watched Maisey sleep and lamented again how our kitty, though sweet and cute and oh so funny, was not cuddly or snuggly. I picked her up and tried to get her to settle on my tummy, but she stiffened right up and jumped off at her first chance. I pouted and said aloud that I wanted her to be cuddly and snuggly. Sweet Baboo kind of laughed and said in the sweetest voice, "I know you do, honey, but just because you want it to be so, doesn’t make it so." It really was a sweet thing to say. I thought he might laugh AT me and tell me to get over it. Instead, he knew my heart and wanted to help me feel better. He is the BEST!

I got up at seven this morning and got some stuff done around the house. I LOVE this 10-7 schedule. I called MDA and talked to a guy about organizing a team of 36 for the phones next year. I also told him I wanted to be a part of planning the Dark Socks Classic Golf Tournament and fundraiser in July. He said the first meeting for planning is THIS WEEK! Therefore, I am well on my way to more involvement in MDA. In addition, I emailed someone here at Stagecoach land to see how they might collaborate with MDA for some corporate fundraising. We will see what happens there.

Finally, my old boss CM called and left a message on our voicemail saying he has put in an authorization for me to get all my overtime pay from my last 2 weeks working for Bankers. It’s about time!

Thanks for reading.

September 03, 2003: Fair equals Food which equals Fun

I think I am getting there. There is enough going on with me and around me that, at this time, makes me want to make some changes. This is scary because in the past, I have been motivated for a day/week/month, but then I would just end up giving up. Feeling this way today may not lead to life long motivation and I need that.

I blew it at breakfast, but at lunch, I plan to have a large salad and some water. I really want to stop eating the processed, sugary foods I have been living on and start eating more fruits, veggies, fish and chicken. I know I have food issues that will not be solved by eating things that are good for me, but I have to start somewhere.

Here is an example. When Bob and I started talking about going to the fair, what did I get most excited about? The horse barn? The baby animals? The midway? The live music? Noooooo! I got all excited about the food! While at the fair, I consumed a foot long hotdog, 2 Pronto Pups, an order of cheese curds, half a cone of mini chocolate chip cookies, and a glass of milk. What is wrong with me? That was my idea of fun at the fair…eating fried, greasy food.

I want to be strong for my husband. I want to look good as his representative. I want to be healthy for myself. I want to climb stairs without feeling as if I am about to die. I want to be able to sit comfortably in chairs again. I want to fit into clothes again. I want to not be ashamed of how I look, and assume others are not ashamed either. But I have to want these things more than I want a Pronto Pup or Cheese Curds.

I have not read Fred Anderson’s book yet, but I have read his website and he has some good things to say. I need to live as though I were the fit version of me. How would the fit version of me spend a day? How would the fit version of me eat at lunch today? Would the fit version of me take the elevator or the stairs? Would the fit version of me sleep in or get up a little bit earlier in order to get some exercise? What does the fir version of me look like? How does she live and what does she do to keep fit?

I am so far from that version of me right now. However, Fred’s site is so full of inspiration. If he can do it…why can’t I? Why can’t anyone? It took Fred 2 years to get to his goal weight and it will take him a lifetime to maintain it, but it seems as though he is doing a great job.

I have heard people say, “If God didn’t make it, don’t eat it.” I think that’s an overly simplistic way of looking at it, but it still makes a modicum of sense. I think the goal there is to eat lots of fruits and veggies and lay off the processed foods, as if I would like to do.

All of this to say, I am going to try. I am going to put myself out there and begin to change the way I eat, the way I view food, and the way I spend my time and energy. I know from experience that it will be hard. I will grow weary of eating healthily. I will put off the exercise. I will so not feel like doing the right thing. But I need to start somewhere, somehow and sometime and why not start now? I am having a large spinach salad for lunch. In my salad, I have added baby corn, broccoli, cucumbers, carrot shreds, a little cheese and a little egg with some fat free ranch dressing. I also have a cup of yogurt and a small apple for sweetness. 28 ounces of water round out my lunch today. And so it begins….again.

Maisey was driving me crazy this morning. We got her a collar and ID tag at the fair. Ever since I put it on her, she has been itching her neck like crazy. This morning, she sat at the head of the bed right next to my pillow and scratched and scratched and scratched. She made her tag jingle, jangle jingle. I finally took the collar off her and flung it to the floor where she promptly began to play with it. She scooted it under the bed where she was unreachable and jangled that stupid thing all morning! Just as I’d fall back to sleep, “jingle, jingle, jingle”. Man that was annoying.

I also had a disturbing dream this morning. First, I dreamt the raptors from Jurassic Park were chasing me. Then, I dreamed that Bob and I were at some sort of function. There were lots and lots of people there. He was off talking to someone and I met this guy. (No one I know in real life…just some random guy.) He and I began to banter and flirt. Then he asked me to bed and I said no so he got mad, saying I was all talk and no action. We then went off to a private room and I cheated on Sweet Baboo. Then I lied to him about it and went on as if everything were completely normal. I ended up having an affair with this guy and at the end of the dream; I left Sweet Baboo for this other guy. The horrible thing was, I knew in my heart that this guy wasn’t a tenth of the man that SB was but I left SB for him anyway. I woke up sad and disturbed and haven’t been able to shake the blues all day. I hate starting the day off that way. I suppose it doesn’t help that the weather is all gray clouds and biting wind.

Thanks for reading.

September 04, 2003:Short Entry from a Greedy Girl

Apparently, Maisey is a very needy cat. I awoke at 4 this morning to a furry head bunting my bare back. Then said head was thrust into my conveniently placed hand. I ignored her, turned over and promptly went back to sleep. While I was getting ready for work this morning, Sweet Baboo said he had been awake, and was petting the needy kitty. He said she was purring like crazy and seemed to be enjoying the early morning attention. However, she would get up, leave him, go over, bunt me, and try to get me to wake up to pet her. Obviously, it is not enough that just her Dad is awake and attending to her needs for love…she must make sure that Mom is awake to take over where Dad fails. It is after all her world and she just allows us to live in it. We always say if she had thumbs, she would rule the world. Or at least be able to get out of the apartment on her own.

Sweet Baboo just called and put the phone to Maisey’s ear and had me call her. Right after I did, I hear her whine like she does when she’s upset or impatient. He said it was as if she was trying to figure out why Mom was in the little box Dad was holding up to her ear. It was sooo cute!

I’m not feeling very journal-y today. I don’t really know what to say other than things are still kind of the same. Sweet Baboo still has MD. I am still morbidly obese. We still don’t have a lot of money and yet we want more things. A new computer would be nice since the one we have is more than 4 years old now and way too slow. Some new fall clothes would come in handy right about now as well. Not to mention that lovely van we fell in love with at the telethon. See how greedy I am? Never satisfied. I sound a lot like my needy kitty, Maisey. Getting love from one hand while seeking more from another. It’s something I am aware of and still trying to work on.

Thanks for reading.

1:53 p.m. - Saturday, Sept. 04, 2004
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