sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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My Diary is Broken!

I don't know what happened to my diary. My membership isn't due for renewal until December 13th, the day before my birthday and yet for some reason, I am locked out of all my Super Gold membership features. And of course we're broke, so I can't get the Super Gold right now. So if you want to comment, you will have to use the "notes" or "guestbook" until my membership is renewed and the comments are back. Bah!

So yesterday I told my boss that I want the job of the gal who's leaving. I start training today. I can't wait to get off the phones. She asked me why I want to change and I told her that I don't like who I am when there are calls holding. I suddenly become all obsessed with who is taking calls and who isn't. I start "managing" my co-workers and then I become resentful if others aren't on the phones like they should be. I don't like that woman and I'm hoping the change will help me like myself a little more. Also, with IRA season coming up in April, there will be ample overtime available! We sure can use the extra cash that overtime affords.

I went to the bariatric surgeon's office over lunch to get my B12 shot. The nurse practitioner gave it to me in my bum. I have to have 1 a week for the next 3 weeks. Then, after work, I went to my regular doctor's office to get this cough taken care of. They perscribed an albuterol inhaler and something called Teslon? They are Benzolate pearls of cough medicine and they really work for me. Last night was the first good night's sleep I've had in over a week. I did have to get up once around 3:30 for more from the inhaler, but other than that, I was snoozing soundly like a baby.

Speaking of baby, there is a gal on our team who is VERY pregant. She was due on the 6th but is still hanging in there. Every day now, we all come to work and check to see if she is there or not. She is, much to her disappointment. We have a pool going too, but I don't think anyone picked a date beyond the 12th. I should have picked my birthday, the 14th, just in case. But I hate seeing her so miserable and hope this little one makes an entrance soon.

That's all I have for today. Make it a good one!

*************************************** A Year Ago Today: December 08, 2003: Where is the Christmas Cheer?

First off, let me just say a big, public thank you to Lady Malfoy! You are generosity personafied. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

The weekend was good. Busy, but good.

Sweet Baboo and I decided early in the week that we wanted to do our Christmas shopping at the Mall of America. So thatís what we did. SB set up a ride through Metro Mobility. They picked us up at noon and dropped us off right at the front door of the Mall.

I knew right away we had underestimated the size of the crowds and the level of seasonal annimosity of said crowd.

The first thing we wanted to do was eat. So we headed off to the food court. It was almost 1pm by then so we arrived in the middle of the lunch rush. There were NO tables available. people were hovering, waiting, lurking, looking for all the world like vultures circling their dying prey. We FINALLY came across a table of 3 leaving. I walked up to them, asked them if we could have their table, they said yes, so I began to get settled. There were 3 other couples behind me, so we spilt the 4 top into a 2 top so more people could benefit. As we were doing this, the guy leaving said snidely, \"You could have at least waited until we were gone.\" Well, they were standing, they had their coats on, and there were 3 other couples circling...so, no I really couldn't.

I left SB at the table and went to stand in line to get our food. All the way back to the table, I prayed I would not trip or fall or get bumped so as to spill our lunch all over and thankfully, I got back with food and pride intact.

We ate our lunch and watched the table vultures circle. It was kind of interesting to watch. There were several tables pushed together to create 4 and 6 and 8 tops, but then families of 2, 4 and 6 would sit and use the extra space for their packages, coats, etc. So instead of breaking up the tables to create more eating areas, they claimed the whole thing for themselves. It seemed selvish and excessive in spite of the obvious need. And yet the new inhabitants of these tables seemed to claim these precious eating surfaces as though they were staking a claim on a mine or land settlement. That they were entitled to this whole space because of the hard work it took to find it. Maybe, but we used our experience to share with our fellow man. I think thatís what I admire about Sweet Baboo. He gets knocked down in life and instead of letting it embitter him or cause him to pull inward selfishly, he uses his experiences to better life for others. He sees their struggles, understands them and reaches out to help and share.

Whew! I know...I just made a big old thing out of finding a table at the food court at the mall, but it was so interesting to watch this all happen around us.

After lunch we set out to find our Christmas purchases. We went in one direction only to realize we were on the wrong side of the mall. But as luck would have it, we found a store with an item we were looking for and it was half off! Woo hoo! So we made our first purchase. I also happened to make a steathy Christmas purchase for Sweet Baboo.

We waited for an elevator to ride down to the main floor. While in the elevator, we chatted and talked with the other occupants. It was fun. Just by riding in the elevator, we became commrads with the other riders. They were friendly, jovial and kind. Hey! Thanks other elevator riders! We enjoyed our ride down with you!

We cut through camp snoopy to get to the other side of the mall. While there, we saw a family eating ice cream, and SB has a constant jones for ice cream, so off he went in search of his prize. I sat and watched people. I noticed several dad and daughter combinations. I even saw 3 guys who appeared to be friends of relatives, all with little girls. It was so sweet. One dad even stopped to retie his little girl's pink ribbon. It was adorable.

SB came back with ALL THE ICE CREAM IN THE WORLD! Seriously, he had so much ice cream. He said he asked for a double scoop thinking it would just be 2 scoops. Instead, the guy kept piling these giant scoops on the cones. Then, to conserve the delectable dish, they smoosh the whole thing into a plastic bowl. It was such a lot of ice cream.

After the brain freeze from eating an ice berg of ice cream, we set off in search of more Christmas goodness. The crowd in the middle of the mall was immense. Sweet Baboo was in his chair and we could not get over how people would just walk right in front of him, expecting him to just move. But if you have ever tried to maneuver a power wheel chair, it is not as stealthy as one might think. One little girl walked in front of him 3 times as her mother watched. Come on lady, teach your kid some manners. Maybe next time my husband will just roll over her foot...that might teach her.

We were able to get some Mall Of America gift certificates. These things are cool! They are not just MOA gift cards, they are MOA Visa cards. So, anywhere Visa is accepted, you can use these things. Too cool. The only hitch is that you have to use them all up within 6 months or Visa starts taking $2.50 off of them every month as a service fee. I donít think that will be a problem though.

Sweet Baboo and I were getting tired. He let me use a gift card he had been given for his birthday. Heís not a big Barnes and Noble fan, but he looked and didnít see anything he wanted. So I went in and found something right away. I got a book by Ann LaMont. I love her. I also got some notecards with sunflowers on them. While I was standing in line, a dad with his baby was behind me and the baby kept grabbing for my ponytail, much to the dad's embarrassment. I laughed and said it was no big deal, babies will be babies and sheís just exploring the world around her. She was very cute.

After that, SB and I went in search of my birthday gift. He wanted me to get something for myself since he knew I would like it then. So, I went to Victoria's Secret and looked around as they carry my favorite fragrances. While there, I accidentally bumped into a lady who was admiring some silky underthing. I stopped, apologized and smiled. She turned and gave me the evil look 'o death. I kept smiling, thinking she would finally accept my apology, but she snorted and turned away. OK...Merry Christmas to you too!

After that, it was time to head back to meet our ride. I was all worn out. It was a lot of walking for me, and though I was tired, I was glad I had made it without having to rent an electric cart.

We got home and talked about what to do for dinner. We also talked about how we hadn't found anything for one of our family members. I volunteered to go to super Target if SB would clean up the kitchen and take out the trash.

I headed over to ST and found the few groceries we needed as well as the one thing for our family member! Woo hoo! I also stopped and got a little something to eat. When I pulled into the parking garage, there was a cart right next to my space. SB had left it there knowing I would need it.

I got everything upstairs and we had a nice little meal. Afterwards, I wrapped gifts. I really enjoy doing that and was happy we had some wrap from last year as well as the new wrap I had purchased from some co-worker's kid's school fund-raiser.

Sunday was another busy day. We went to the Muscular Dystrophy Christmas party. The day was kind of weird. SB and I got into a fight in the morning and it almost hadn't work intself out before we had to go. Metro Mobility came and picked us and our neighbors, Nathan and Becky up.

We got to the place where the party was and it really wasnít a very good space. There was a one wheel chair elevator, so there was a pretty big line for the lift. The room was small and packed. We were hot and hungry and already tired.

All the tables were taken, so there was no place to sit. I finally found a lone chair while SB went into the line to get some food. While I was sitting there an older guy came up to me, asked me if the 2 chairs next to me were taken and the preceeded to turn them around so they faced me directly and then he and his wife sat there. I felt put on the spot, so I took my lone chair and pushed it back into a corner, as far away from the crowd as I could get. I donít think I explained what happned very well. It wasnít that the older man and his wife wanted to sit with me or include me in their group. He was turning their chairs to face a certain direction because he thought there would be someone speaking later and he wanted to be pointing in the right direction.

The day ended up getting better. We talked to some people we knew, met some new people, and ended up having a good time. I took a couple of pictures, we played some games, and we won some prizes. I won a $50 gift certificate to a restaurant called Maynards and SB won a T-shirt. We also scored a teddybear backpack. Santa Claus was giving them out to the kids but SB got one when he went up to talk to Santa. He wanted to ask him for a RollX Van:-). (All we want for Christmas is a RollX Van, a RollX Van, a RollX Van...)

We left the party and went to wait for our ride. We found out that the Vikings had soundly tromped the Seahawks, so the ride home was quiet and pleasant. We were fed, fellowshipped and full of prizes.

Last night was a quiet night of cuddling, snuggling, talking, dreaming, and a little crying. Not too much. But it is so hard for me to see all that SB has to go through now. I would never have wished this on him or anyone. He is so brave and so amazing and I am so lucky, blessed and honored to be his wife.

This week looks to be long. Just a week of work and keeping on keeping on capped off by my 36th birthday. For the first time, I am not looking forward to this birthday. I am not sure why...it just doesnít hold any excitement or draw for me this year. Itís just day marking an event that happened 36 years ago.

And as long as we are talking about marking events...3 years ago today, my Sweet Baboo proposed to me and I accepted. Happy engagement anniversary honey! I am so happy you asked and even happier that I said Yes! Itís been wonderful being married to you.

I heard the coolest idea for a relevent and meaningful Christmas gift. Too bad I donít have time to pull it off this year. Take some time and talk to your grandparents with a tape recorder. Ask them about their lives, their childhoods, how they met, etc and then write a memoir-type book and get it printed for the family. I am so totally hip to that idea...I am going to ask Grandma at Chistmas if she would be willing to get together with me once or twice a month this next year. Itís good to have that stuff written down. Plus it will be a great gift for all next Christmas!

I am feeling the reality of life settling in. Sweet Baboo and I were snuggling in bed last night and I was thinking that his condition is getting worse. Itís not stopping, Itís not reversing. Itís not even slowing. The reality is, even when he complete ministry training school, he will most likely not be able to work a full 40+ hour week. He won't be able to support both of us full time and if he canít, I will have to work at least part time. I will not be able to stay at home with kids and he will not be able to be strong enough to care for kids when Iím not there. The reality is, we should not (and probably cannot) have our own due to the genetic issues of MD, and we should not adopt due to his limitations and our lifestyle because of it.

The reality is, most likely, I will never be a mom. Even as I type that, there is a lump in my throat and there are tears in my eyes.

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, would I change anything? Would I have answered his email or given him my phone number or dropping in on him at work that one day (stalked him as he says.) or agreed to go out on that first date?

What if I could go ahead in time? Would that make things better? Would I see a better future? Would I see a way for us to be parents?

How can I know? I LOVE and adore my husband. He is an amazing, wonderful, loving, kind, bright and funny man. I would never leave him.

Would I have married him? He says he would not have married me. He says he would not have even dated or tried to date me. (Or anyone for that matter.) But I think God brought us together for a reason. He needed me and I needed him. We complete and compliment each other in an amazing and wonderous way. Itís just these other things that are so hard to deal with. I thought marriage and parenthood went hand in hand. I mean, I know not every couple can have kids. I just thought I would. That we would.

We both love kids. Kids love both of us. We attract them, draw them, engage them. Kids come to our apartment to play. We are just big kids ourselves. How can kids not be part of our married life?

As hard as this is for both of us to face, it is highly possible...more so probable that in the future, I will have to see to Sweet Baboo's daily needs. Bringing kids into that would be unfair to the kids. If I have to shower and shave their daddy, what more would I have to give to them? How would we cope? How would the bills get paid if I have to stay home to make sure Sweet Baboo is cared for properly? If I have to care for him, who would care for the kids?

You see? Itís all so unclear and yet so startlingly clear. Sweet Baboo is not getting better. Things are not getting better. We have good days. We have wonderful weeks. But every day, he declines a little more. It is my job to see to his care and quality of life. There is not time to care for kids and babies. There isnít enough of me to go around. There doesnít seem to be anything we can do to change it.

Everything is pronounced with Sweet Baboo. Minor annoyances to you and me become insurmountable obstacles to him. For instance, his doctor prescribed a new pain medicine for him. Rather than call it into the pharmacy where SB can drive through and pick it up, they are requiring him to drive over to get it. That means, he has to get out of his truck, walk to the building and the office, get the perscription and walk back to his truck and then drive to the pharmacy, drop off the perscription and either wait for it to be filled or go all the way home and all the way back to the pharmacy to get it. Itís a big pain. Instead of allowing him to go through all of that, I am going to leave for work early tomorrow, pick up the perscription and drop it off. All he will have to do is drive to the pharmacy's drive through service window and pick it up. See? Everything is a lot harder for him. If we were to add kids to this...there is no telling how bad it would be. It would be me, doing everything for everyone and that would drive me crazy.

Sometimes I get frustrated with Sweet Baboo. Like how he can bring food and beverages to the table, but how he canít seem to get them back to the kitchen sink. Or how he can make a sandwich but canít seem to sweep up the crumbs from the counter. I cut him a lot of slack but sometimes I just get mad. Mostly I am not mad at him, but am mad, instead, at his situation. I donít understand it. I see him struggle with it every day and I still donít understand it. He hurts. There are things he canít do. He lives with pain every single day of his life. And yet he gets up every day and does stuff every day. Heís amazing. Heís my husband and he will be until death parts us. But it looks like weíre it as far as having our own family goes. Itís me and him and our 2 cats. Thatís our family tree.

Thanks for Reading.

6:45 a.m. - Wednesday, Dec. 08, 2004
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