sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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Money is NOT What's Important

Forget what I said about money and how we don't have any. It's true, but the money is not what's important. It's not. We will always have bills. We will probably always struggle in some way financially just because of the curves life has thrown us. But I would sell everything we have and live on the street if only my husband could live pain free.

This poor man has had the worst month since our marriage, I think. He's in so much pain that he often forgets to eat and his sleeping pattern is completely erratic. He will be up all night in pain, only to sleep all day and then not be tired for night. He was enrolled in 1 class this semester and missed every class but one or two because of the pain or the sleep.

And it's not just physical pain that is plaguing Bob. It's emotional pain. The other day he called me at work and while we were talking, he just broke down. I asked him what was wrong and he said he just felt like half a man. He said he was sorry I had to work. That he was sorry I had to take on the financial burden for us both. He said he wished he could work so I wouldn't have to. He said he wished he knew what he was good for, because he certainly felt good for nothing. When he talks like this, I cry too. He is such a wonderful, wonderful man and I wish he could see that "taking care" of me doesn't have to involve making money. He takes care of me in so many wonderful ways. He makes me laugh. He loves me. He makes sure the kitchen is clean. He does our laundry even though it's his most hated household chore of all. He balances our checkbooks and pays all our bills. He rubs me to sleep at night. He sings me songs. He buys me presents for Christmas and my birthday even though we PROMISED we wouldn't because we don't have the money for it. He raves over my cooking, even if he's not sure he'll like it at first. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he's so happy to be married to me. He calls me "slim" and "skinny". He loves our kitties. He tells me "thank you" for all the stuff I do, so I never feel under or unappreciated. He perseveres and pushes on no matter what he's going through. He's my hero and I am so desprately in love with him, I wish I could fix it and make everything better for him. I wish he could see how truly amazing he really is. And I wish I could take on his pain for a day, week, month, forever...just so he could live a life free from pain for once. I would sell all I have just so Bob could experience a day free from pain.

*************************************** About A Year Ago Today: December 10, 2003, Everything Under The Sun

I got up early today but got sidetracked doing things around the apartment rather than getting online and reading email and updating the journal. It’s good to get stuff done and come home to a clean place. When I come home to a dirty or messy place, it makes me feel overwhelmed with all I still have to do. I can do the exact same thing in the same amount of time in the morning and not feel tired and overwhelmed about it at all. Odd, no?

OK…my 36th birthday is Sunday. I have not been looking forward to this birthday. It seems old to me and I don’t feel old. Also, I thought I would be in a far different place by the age of 36. Whatever, my life is what it is and I am making the best of it. But today I went to use the bathroom at work. I brought my hairbrush with me so I could try to tame my wild and wavy locks. As I was running the brush through my thick hair, something thin and silver caught my eye. Was it??? It was! I plucked it right out and found it to be quite long. It was more silver than dull grey and it was wavy/curly like the rest of my hair. It was not my first grey hair, but it is my most significant grey hair. Now what do I do? Do I grow grey gracefully? Do I retain my youthfulness for as long as possible and begin the never-ending coloring process? Yikes! I am not sure what I’m going to do about my hair. I think I will call my friend and hairstylist D, to see what she recommends.

I am going to the Bariatric Surgery Info Meeting on Tuesday, January 6th. This is the beginning of a 5-9 month process that leads to the surgery itself. Then begins a new life and a new way of eating, moving and living. This journal will then become my processing place as I learn more about the surgery, the process, the risks, and the benefits. I hope this is the right thing to do. I’ll make sure to keep y’all updated as I go.

Today is Sweet Baboo’s day of finals at school. He had to be there at 8:30 this morning for his first one. I hope it goes well. He enjoys school and his classes and profs so much, though he is not really much of a scholar, reader, paper writer or test taker. Poor baby. But I do see the benefits of him taking these classes. He really is blossoming and becoming more and more of a minister. He’s really good as applying what he learns as he goes. Next semester, he will be taking a class on the book of Acts. I think he will really enjoy that.

I’ve been thinking of the missing UND student, Dru Sjodin. That poor girl and her family. I see pictures of her and she is more than beautiful. She has a light about her. She is honey kissed, sweetness, and light. Someone evil saw that and wanted it all for himself. What is it with sexual predators who think they can use up a person and throw them away. Not that Dru is dead, although that’s the current speculation, but she was used up. Her innocence is gone. The people of North Dakota and Northern MNs’ innocence are gone. People will no longer venture out in public with the same feelings of safety and wellness that they once held dear in the Midwest Northland. I feel so sorry for this family. Their bright and shining star of a daughter got stolen from them without even so much as a goodbye. Now they face the holidays and the beginning of a new year with so much sadness and uncertainty. The guy that supposedly did this is a level 3 sex offender. He served his time for his past crimes, but it did nothing to rehabilitate him. In fact, each of his crimes seem to get more violent and more dangerous. He hadn’t killed before (that we know of), though he had stabbed a gal who had resisted him before. It would seem that this time, he is not only a sex offender, but a killer. They found blood in his car and a knife with blood on it…all matching Dru’s. What they have yet to find is Dru herself. We can only hope that some way, some how, this case is brought to a close soon.

This may be a stretch, but I think shows like Average Joe perpetuate the worshipping of beauty in this country. Here this little blond cheerleader chick has her pick of good guys. Some of them are not so hot in the looks department and yet they are quality human beings. She gets to know them and starts to see the great men hidden inside an average package. And yet she chooses the pretty boy. It goes so far to perpetuate the stigma that the average guy can’t get the beautiful girl. I just don’t think that’s always true, but you’d never know it by what we see on shows like this. I think Melena picked Jason because of something she said in her sit down interview with Viki on the show. She said she found herself a diamond in the rough. At the time I thought she meant Adam, referring to his greatness hidden inside an average looking package. But now that I know she picked Jason, I think she picked him, not only for his good looks but because she can work on him to become someone she can be proud of. Adam was a self made man. He has his own place, his own business, his own life in NYC. To pick him would mean a lot of changes and compromises. But Jason was a student/waiter who lived with his parents. To pick him meant she picked a guy she can mold. She can give him directions on school, career, living arrangements, etc. He is pretty and he’s a blank slate as far as she’s concerned. That’s my take on the whole thing.

So, my birthday is on Sunday. To celebrate, we are taking the $50 gift certificate we won at the MDA Christmas party and are going to have a brunch buffet at Maynards after church. We invited a friend of mine to join us and I think it will be fun. I had to call Maynards back because I forgot to tell them about Sweet Baboo’s difficulty walking and I needed them to place us near the entrance and still be somewhere near the buffet. We may just bring his manual chair and make it easier all around. But buffet breakfast, yum!

You know, this holiday season I am going through all the parties, all the get together, all the gatherings with the feeling that this is my last year to indulge. This is the last year I can eat whole meals. Next year, if all goes well, I will not have a stomach, but a pouch. I will have to eat 3 small meals a day and drink lots of water. I will be on vitamin supplements. This is the last holiday season of eating as I know it. So every gathering I go to is the last of its kind as far as the food goes. Bet you never thought of your holiday gatherings in that light before, have you? I’m not pigging out. I’m not overdoing it or doing anything different than I normally do it, but I am aware that the coming years will be very different indeed. Also, I plan on doing holiday baking this year just because I can. Who knows what next year will bring.

Thanks for reading.

December 11, 2003: December Engagements Rock!

Vocational Rehab is not going to help us pay for a van. Sweet Baboo got up early after a night of tossing and turning and met with a counselor there. The good news is, they WILL pay for his schooling! What a nice surprise. And since he already went through their red tape and paperwork soon after he was fired in May of 2002, he doesn’t have to go through it all again! Too cool. Now he can take more classes without having to worry about fitting in work study time as well. The bad news is we have now have to find another way to finance a van. I may have to send the stuff off to the MD Family Foundation…or maybe start thinking of a fundraising thing. Either way, we need a van.

I found a way cool websight. First off, there is a websight for the hospital and doctors who perform the bariatric surgery I am looking into. That websight is: http://www.allina.com/ahs/mercyunity.nsf/page/bariatric_center . At that websight, there is a message board one can post questions and fears and frustrations to. From that message board, I found a websight dedicated as a safe place for people considering weight loss surgery as well as women coping with PCOS. That websight is: http://www.wls-oasis.com. All of these places offer a wealth of information and support that I find to be very valuable to me right now. Last night Sweet Baboo and I prayed that if this is the right way for me to go, all doors will be open with green lights ahead. My biggest fear is that this is something I am doing on me own, in my own strength, away from the will of God. So, we are moving cautiously ahead, praying all the way.

Last night Sweet Baboo told me he was sorry that I had to sacrifice and/or give up so much in order to be his wife. Silly boy. I gain so much more than I have ever had to give up. He is a wonderful husband. He is kind, loving, considerate, bright, and sweet. He prays for me, touches me, loves me the way no one else ever has. He make sure we have our bills paid, food in our cupboard, and is looking ahead to our future. I would rather be walking through this life with him, with all its bumps and surprises, than be without him.

So, did you watch Trista and Ryan’s wedding last night? Almost 4 million was spent on that thing. I told SB, it looked like a bottle of pepto bismol had exploded on her wedding. Egads that was a lot of pink. And 2 wedding dresses? What was up with that? You only get to wear your dress once anyway…why not wear it as long as possible? Sheesh. I hate it when Trista talks in that little baby voice with her nose all scrunched up. She drives me mad, can you tell? As we watched the nuptials, Sweet Baboo and I talked about our wedding and what we would change if we could go back and change it. The only things we would change would be: 1.) to have a chair nearby for him to have sat on during part of the service, 2.) To make our niece M, a flower girl as it was only months after our wedding that we learned it was her dream. 3.) I would have had my bridesmaids get their dresses from the store I purchased my wedding dress at to make sure they were all fitted and matching accordingly. Other than that, we were more than happy with our wedding day.

Congratulations to Rob Poulin and Alicia Gordon on their engagement and upcoming wedding. It was so cool to hear about their romance and ideas for their wedding this morning on FM107. I hope Alicia wasn’t too angry that Ian and Rob and the radio station sales team have taking on the planning of their wedding, but maybe she is a laid back gal who can roll with changes like that. Anyway, congrats.

Thanks for reading.

11:43 a.m. - Saturday, Dec. 11, 2004
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