sunflowery's Diaryland Diary

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The Death of Hope

The hardest thing is the loss of hope. You know this as you allow yourself to hope. You try not to. You know the danger of it. But it's so hard not to. And once you begin to hope, the dreams follow. And the wonder.

Could you be? You could be? If you are, when are you due? Count the months. December! Same month as your birthday. Christmas. 9 months until the end of the year. 9 months until...could you be? You wonder.

You think of names. Grace for a girl, Robert for a boy. But Meredith is nice. So is Jonah. You've always liked Zechariah and Hannah. Katie is so sweet. James is a good strong name.

You think of when you would tell people. How you will share the news. You think of telling Bob and imagining his excitement. Telling your folks and imagining their reaction. Telling the rest of your family and friends. You think of creative and fun ways to share the news.

You realize that instead of taking your larger sizes to the consignment store, you should keep some back for when you start to show.

You imagine tiny clothes, blankets, toys. You begin to form lists of things you might need. You rearrange furniture in your mind in order to make room for new things and a new person.

You imagine holding this new little bundle. You stroke your belly wondering if your hand might be inches above a growing life. A life growing inside of you.

You allow yourself to wonder. To imagine. To dream. To hope. You know you shouldn't. But you can't help it. You want this so much. If you could make it happen just be the shear wanting, it would have happened by now.

And then you know. No. You are not. Not this month. And there is hurt. There is actual physical pain in your heart. There is grief. There is a physical emptiness. You can feel it inside you. There is death. Not of life. No. But of dreams and of wonder and of hope. And it hurts so badly.


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On May first, I am going to be walking a walk for the March of Dimes because I am all about the babies. Today in the U.S., 1 in every 8 babies will be born prematurely. Some of them won't survive, and others will have health problems that could last a lifetime. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives. The mission of the March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects and infant mortality. Here's how you can help me to help The March of Dimes:
Sponsor My Walk
Tell a Friend
Sign up to Walk
Go here to pledge money to my walk. Thanks to everyone who helps out this very important cause.
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5:53 a.m. - Tuesday, Apr. 05, 2005
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