sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


I'm Not Who You Think

I messed up. Back at my old journal, I was told that I was not very honest about myself and my own family. Maybe that's because I know my own family and also, they don't live nearby so there's not much that goes on between us right now. But about being honest about myself, I suppose that is because, even though I know this is a place for me to write and vent and opinionate for me...I know there are other people reading and I want to come off as smart, funny and intellegent. So I share the parts of me that aren't so horrible and human and raw.

But I am human. I am horrible (not all the time, mind you). And I am raw. I messed up big time and I messed up in another area I have struggled with my whole

Now, I vowed not to write about our finances and our financial situation because in my former journal, I wrote some things about how we were spending money and coming into money and there were those that read those entries and made snap judgements about us and our values and decisions. We are learning. We have only been married 2 1/2 years. Supe was 39 and I was 33 when we got married. Both of us had had our share of making stupid money mistakes and financial decisions before we got married and though we have both been better since getting married, we still make an occational mistake. All of you were allowed to make these mistakes on your own when you were our age and when you got married. We are no's just that if I happen to share these mistakes in my journal, we open ourselves up to judgement and condemnation.

Now, fortunately God is a much more patient teacher and when we do make mistakes, we go to Him for forgiveness and wisdom and then to each other for the same. We answer to God alone. Yes, we make mistakes, but we are not bent on destroying ourselves or our financial history, so we also learn from our mistakes.

All of that being said, I need to admit that I am a money maniac. And what do I spend most of my money on? Food, unsurprizingly. Another good reason for the surgery is the amount of money we will save on the food I will no longer be able to buy. I know this is a problem. I don't know what to do about it.

Supe and I have 2 credit cards that we are trying to pay down. The limits aren't that high...not at all. But when you don't have a lot of cash on hand, it's hard to pay down the balance on these cards. But we've been faithful for a while and then Christmas came along. We made an agreement to not use the cards for anything else until they were all paid back. I agreed. At the time it made sense and I couldn't think of anything I needed to spend it on anyway.

Cut to 2 weeks ago. I used one of the cards and bought lunch 2 days in a row. I had a perfectly good home made lunch at work...but it didn't sound good to me. So I just went out on my merry way and used the card. Twice in a week. After that, I set myself to be good. I determined that I would NOT use the card.

Until Thursday. I used it to fill my gas tank AND I used it Friday again for lunch. I don't know what I was thinking. Part of it was I dawdled around home too much Friday morning and left for work late, forgetting to make a lunch. The thing is, I only live 4 miles from work so I can easily go home and grab something there to eat. But no, I go to the cafeteria in my building and buy lunch. And what did I buy? $6.00 worth of nothing. An apple, 2 sticks of string cheese, and a bag of pretzels. Per my entry from yesterday, I have been having weird food issues lately and nothing sounds good. Those things didn't sound good as much as they didn't make me want to retch when I thought of eating them.

Anyway...moving on. Last night the credit card fell out of my pocket in front of Supe and he asked if I had used it. I wanted to lie so badly, but didn't. I told him I had used it that day. I didn't add that I had used it the day before or 2 weeks ago. He was he should be. He ended up going to bed without saying goodnight.

I didn't sleep well and in fact, I got up around 7 and came into work to get a bunch of stuff done before the Monday am rush. I just felt like a total failure and zero. I let Supe down. I let myself down. I don't know why I do things like this. I am an adult for goodness sake...not a child. But you'd never know it by the way I act sometimes.

So you see, I can be honest about myself and my shortcomings. I am human and I hurt people I love. I make mistakes I know are stupid and wrong.

Supe called me at work and told me to come home. I don't look forward to talking about this. I don't know what to say. I am sorry. So sorry. I lied to my husband and went against him and did what I wanted to do even though I said I wouldn't. I wish I could just go back and do it all over again and do it right.

Why can't I be the person I want to be? Why can't I be confident and positive and good with money and decisions? When will I become the woman I always imagined myself to be? When will I be the woman I dream is inside of me? Does that woman ever come forth? I wonder if I will ever really and truly like myself?

On the upside, the gal that left my department for another job within Big Bank Co...the gal I call The Babysitter...left last night with all her personal effects. But she left her desk in a shambles and dissaray. So, being an anal retentive freak, I took on the task of cleaning out her desk. It is now spotless for the new person, whoever that may be, and ready to be personalized. That felt good.

Last night, before the credit card debacle, I was watching a Dateline special that broke my heart. It was all about the sex trade in Cambodia and how they sell young, young girls for Amercian and European men to have sex with. Girls as young as 5 are often bought from their super poor families and used as prostitutes. Both Supe and I cried and prayed about what we could do to help those girls to get out of that prison. We felt anger and some justified hatred of the men who prey on these young victims. We were left raw after watching that and are still waiting and wondering what in the world we can do to help.

Finally, someone found my journal by searching for: Catherine O'Hara s3xy p1ctures. Hmmmm...sorry you landed here maity. Had to be a disappointment.


A Year Ago Today: January 24, 2003 Crappy Week and Fun Hobby

OK...fair warning. Today has been crappy. I do not, repeat, really do not want this space to become a place where all I do is go on and on about how I hate my job. Because most days, my job is fine. But it is just a job. It is not my career or vocation, or dream. It is just the place I go 40 hours a week in order to bring home a paycheck and some decent medical benefits.

But today...I hate it. My bosses are grumpy and control freaks and they treat me as though I were their personal property. It really gets old after a while. If I perform and jump through the hoops and say how high when they say jump, they pet me like the nice circus dog I have become. But if, on the off chance I demonstrate some initiative and drive and personal excellence, they cannot WAIT to show me each and every detail of how I am wrong and how my decision has messed up our office. I am the office administrator. I am allowed some leeway in how things run. Actually, I am the only person who knows how things really run. If, they, left to their own devices had to get through a week without me, I am sure they could do it, but not without a lot of hand wringing and messing up themselves. That said, I do feel a little better. I like to vent. This is a good place to vent. However, I refuse to use this as a forum for work related venting very often. That just gets boring.

I am also in the midst of crocheting a scarf for my mom.

Not a lot to share. I am still feeling down and blue, though I have so much to feel thankful about. The least of which is that I have two full days off where I do not have to be in the office or think about work! Yay!

Also, Sunday is my first day teaching four and 5-year-old Sunday school class. Should be interesting.

Enjoy the weekend!

12:08 p.m. - Saturday, Jan. 24, 2004


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