sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


A Crisis Of Faith

I had a minor melt down on Saturday night. I finally broke down and told Bob that I am angry at God. I haven't cracked my Bible open in over a year and I only pray when Bob suggests it or in an emergency (not counting arrow prayers shot up every so often). I haven't lost faith. I still believe. I guess I'm just acting like a spoiled child. I am mad because things aren't going my way. Isn't that silly? I am mad because I am finally married...after waiting 33 years and my husband turns out to have a major disability. I am finally married and am thinking we are on our way to acheiving our dream of home ownership and parenthood. I am mad because neither one of those has happened. I am mad because I have to be the breadwinner and I wonder if my back is strong enough to shoulder such a burden. (It has been so far.) I am mad because my husband wants to work and can't due to his disability. He has to be content with getting an SSI check every month while I work 40+ hours every week to support us. I am mad because we can't afford a stupid handicapped accessible van and he really, really needs one. I am mad because my darling husband lives in and with pain every single day of his life. I am mad because my husband is losing the ability to walk, stand, reach, and bend. He already can't run, jump, dance, or get up on his own if he falls. I am mad because he was fired from his job and the state department that was supposed to help us, found in favor of his former employer. I am mad because our finances are in the toilet again. I am mad because this is not how I imagined my married life to be. Isn't that sad? My husband, that darling, beautiful man, lives his life the best he can, affecting all those he comes in contact with for the better, and I am the one complaining and shaking my fist at God. I can't help it. I just don't want to talk to God right now. I am afraid that for the rest of my life, everything I pray for will either not happen or happen with horrible consequences. We were only married for 6 months when Bob got the diagnosis. And married 9 months when he lost his job, forcing us to live on 1 full income. Not that the diagnosis matters. He has Muscular Dystrophy and would still have it whether or not he had an official diagnosis.

Anyway, it all came out on Saturday night in fits of tears and sobs and sniffles. I think he was surprised, but not as much as I thought he would be. It's amazing what you can hide from a person you see on a daily basis...especially one you live with.

Anyway, that was the lowlight of our weekend.

I gotta hand it to Bob though. He just poors out the love on me, no matter what. He was amazing. His love is the ultimate in unconditional.

On the van front, I finally called a number I had been given by a state representative. It's for the Mobility for Independence Organization. They have applications for grants for people who need vans, lifts, wheelchairs, ramps, etc due to mobility issues. I filled out the application and called Bob's physician to request a statement and recommendation from him for the grant to be approved. As soon as I was done, I called Bob at home to tell him. 10 minutes later, he called me back to say that Senat0r M@rk D@yton's office called regarding a letter I sent requesting help getting funds for a van. They gave him the contact info for this very same organization and are forwarding a letter to them on behalf of Bob, asking for recommendation for approval of his request for funds! So, I hope this is the answer. They have quite a long waiting list and most of the people waiting have requested funds in excess of $10,000 or more for the same thing we are looking for. So, we'll see.

Also in the works is the weight loss surgery. I called my psychologist on Friday (She said to call her then to check on her progress in getting my report to the doctor.) and she said she would fax it to my doctor's office today or tomorrow. Then they will look it over, send it to the insurance company and once they have received it, they will reveiw it and call my doctor's office to say if I've been approved or not. Once that happens, my doctor's office will call me to schedule my nurse appt and one on one with the surgeon. Then I will get my surgery date, which looks to be late May or June at this point. But MAN I hate waiting. What a pain. So, I expect I won't hear from the doctor's office until next week or the week after. Blech!

3:13 p.m. - Monday, Mar. 08, 2004


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