sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


ONe Step Forward and Two Steps Back

I haven't felt like writing. Well, that's not true...I did feel like writing this weekend, but our computer was bogged down by a bug. Now that's fixed, and events in our lives have come along to bog me down.

Have you ever thought, "Why me?", "Why him?", "Why us?"? Have you ever wondered when you will catch a break? That's where I am at right now.

Y'all know that my husband Supe has Muscular Dystrophy, right? Well, that is secondary right now to the other health problems he has been experiencing. We went to see his neurologist on Friday. The Neuro is baffled by Supe's chart and medical problems. There are things that can be explained such as a mighty low vitamin D count. Also, there is a muscle enzyme that he is low on that can be treated with pharmisuticals.

But yesterday, Supe saw a hemotologist. He is baffled by Supe's medical condition as well. He has ordered a battery of tests: MRI, Ultrasound, CT Scans, etc to rule out possible cancers. His fear is that it might be spleen or stomach or liver cancer. That is our fear as well.

They know that Supe has a blood disorder called Polysithemia, but they don't know if it's a primary or secondary condition. They want to find out what is causing the blood disorder, if anything.

This has me straight up scared. They can't even begin to treat his MD until they find out what this other stuff is and see if they can treat that.

I want to have a melt down. But I can't. I have to get up, go to work, put on a happy face, and serve my customers with style and grace. My job is what brings the cash into our home. Not to mention that this is where we get the medical insurance we need to pay all these fine doctors. So I can't have a meltdown. And lets not forget that I have to be strong for Supe. But this morning I wanted to do nothing more than stay in bed, snuggled under the covers, sleeping the sleep of the dead. Later, when I went in to kiss Supe goodbye, I wanted nothing more than to curl up around him and to try and protect him from the cruelty of this world. But it's not the world that's hurting's his own body. I wish I could reach inside him and pull out whatever it is that is causing him this pain and suffering.

So, that's why I haven't been writing. I just don't feel like it and since this is something I don't HAVE to do...I just don't.

6:47 a.m. - Wednesday, May. 05, 2004


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