sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


Looking For Cloud 9

So here is where we are going to be tonight. I know the websight isn't all that. Basically it's the invite we received in the mail, online. But I am curious and it should be interesting. I want to bring my camera and take pictures, but maybe they will nix that idea. Never hurts to try though. I like how they say panoramic views. The area that it's in is mostly office parks, freeway and swampland. Not a whole lot to view there, but we'll see.

My tummy was rumbly all day and night yeterday. I didn't eat anything because even the thought of food made me want to hurl into the nearest recepticle (al?) Anyway, this morning it was a bit better and I ate half a protein bar for breakfast. I am a little nervous about going away with family this weekend because so far, the only one to really view my eating debacles has been Bob. Hopefully, nothing will happen and a good time will be had by all.

Re: my comments and the sugar free marshmellows. Thanks for the warnings about not eating too many. Although I don't think that should be much of a problem because my stomach can only hold about 1 or 2 at this point. So, I should be OK. But I will be sure to watch it. Thanks for the heads up!

I've been struggling with something for a couple of days now. There is a friend of mine back where I'm from that, though I love dearly, I have had a competitive attitude with for low these 10 years or so. I don't know why. I don't know when it started. Maybe it started when she liked the same guy I liked and went after him and got him (and then dumped him 6 months later). But ever since I've known her, I have wanted to "beat" her. And not at something tangible like volleyball or badmitten. No, I have wanted to beat her in life. She is the "Jones" I've been wanting to keep up with. No, not just keep up with, but surpass. Alas, she met the man she would marry before me, she got married before me, they bought a house before we did and now they are pregnant with their first child before we are. She got married mere months before Bob and I did and I thought we would have a house/condo/whatever before they would. I also thought we'd be pregnant before they would. But finding out about Bob's MD 6 months after we got married kind of put a crimp in the rest of our plans and finances. I know it's juevenile. I know it's stupid. I just can't keep from being resentful about how she is always first and I am last. And it's not even because she makes wise decisions and smart choices. She's implusive and impatient and moves ahead on things before thoroughly thinking them through. Maybe it's because she's a lot like me that I am this way. Maybe if she can get there, I think I should be able to get there too. I don't know what it is, but it's driving me crazy. And even if I did get something or somewhere before she did, what would I do? She doesn't know I feel this way. I can't just go up to her and say, "Hah! In your face!" She would think I'm insane and would have no idea what I was talking about. I need to just get over it and let go. Her life is her life and my life is mine. We don't even keep in touch much anymore. Except when she gets married, buys a home, and is expecting...then she gets in touch. Just sharing that makes me feel better. We are doing the best we can with what we have and life is pretty darn good for us right now. That's what I need to focus on.

10:22 a.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 13, 2004


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