sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


60 is the Magic Number

I think 60 lbs must be the magic number. Now, all of a sudden, people are pulling me aside and telling me how good I look and asking how the weight loss is going. There is a guy here at work who always calls me by my last name and makes a game of antagonizing me in fun. Today he told me that he has flossed bigger pieces of food out of his teeth than what I was eating for lunch. I told him I could only eat 2 tablespoons per meal. He lowered his voice and spoke conspiritorality and said, "Well, it's working...good job." NOTHING feels better than that folks.

Yesterday was a good day because everything I consumed went down and stayed down. I had my requisite yogurt for breakfast, some hunan chicken for lunch, 2 Reiner cherries as a snack (and may I just make an aside here to wonder why in the world they must charge $6.99/lb for these things? I know they are the most heavenly fruit in the world, but I only bought 10 and it cost $1.75!) and when I got home, I got a bug up my rump and decided to make dinner. I got out my friend Laura's old "Date Chicken" recipe. This is the dish she would make all her dates (before she ended up married to Paul). It's simple but oh so yummy. Here's the recipe in a nutshell...Boneless, skinless chicken breasts. 1/2 cup margarine or butter, melted. Mixed in separate bowl, bread crumbs, parmesean cheese, oregano, basil, and garlic salt. Coat chicken in melted butter/margarine and then coat in crumb mixture. Place in ungreased baking dish and bake chicken in a 350 degree oven for 50 minutes. After the time goes off, mix the rest of the butter with a 1/2 cup of white wine or apple juice, some parsley and green onions and bake for 10 more minutes. It is sooooo yummy! I also made home made mashed potatoes and added canned chicken gravy and green beans to complete the meal. Bob LOVED it. There was enough left over for his lunch and my lunch today and for him to take a meal over to his buddy Mike at the gas station.

After I cleaned up the dinner dishes, I made home made salsa for a pot luck I have to attend this week. I was the kitchen goddess last night, let me tell you!

Tonight...not so much of kitchen goddess as I have a 1 1/2 to 2 hour dentist appointment ahead of me. Blah!

Yesterday, all day, I was transfixed with the idea that there were Russian children out there without a home or family. I longed to have the adoption agency call us and say, "We know you don't have a home study or money for the adoption...but hey! You really, really want these kids, so we're going to bring them to you." Needless to say, that call never happened. But oh how I wish it would. I may never have children from my body...but I long for the children from my heart.

I think the whole not having children right now is also playing a part of Bob's depression. He knows it was my dream to be a mommy and he thinks the reason I'm not and that he's not a daddy is because of him and he lets it drag him down even more. I wish he could see how amazing he really is and how much he adds to my life every day. I spent an hour last night telling him what he brings to me and how he takes care of me. I think he felt better after that. At least a little.

I can hardly let myself get down in the mouth about our situation when there are so many more people out there struggling with just as hard, if not harder problems.

What makes me think my issues are so great? Still, this is all I know and I have been struggling again with the idea of who I am.

Am I just someone who works in order to make sure she has a paycheck and 401K and her husband has health insurance? Am I just here to make sure Bob's life is worth living? What happens to my hopes and my dreams and my goals? I love my husband and HATE, HATE, HATE what he's going through. I wish he were healed. I wish it were me. I wish it had never happened at all. But instead, it happened. And it didn't happen to me, but it affects me. And it's not getting least his health is not getting better.

But we are getting better. We are getting better with living with it and coping and reaching out for help when we need it. We are getting better at being honest with each other and with those people who ask us how we are. We don't say fine when we aren't fine. We don't care if that's not what they want to hear. If that's not what they want to hear...then why ask? Bob once actually had a man ask him how things were going with his MD and when Bob began to answer honestly, he turned and walked away. Ouch!

We are getting better. But there is one area we are not better at. We no longer dream. Or hope. Or really plan for the future. Because the future may never come. And our dreams have been dashed and our hearts broken so many times, it is hard to offer them up again. And we are learning the hard, hard, hard way that our only hope is in Christ. And even then, we only slightly hand it over. Covering our eyes and ears as we hand it over. Shrinking. Afraid. Unsure. Waiting for yet another shoe to drop. We are not very good at that yet.

12:46 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 27, 2004


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