sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


Responding to a \"Guest\"

So, I had a comment left for me yesterday that wasn't so encouraging or flattering. That's OK. I write here and then leave myself open for comments and I have to be open enough to accept the good with the bad. The only thing I don't like is if you are going to leave a comment, leave your name and email too. Don't be such a coward as to speak your mind and hide behind such a pleasant word as "guest". If you were a "guest" in my home, would speak to me like that? I hardly think so. But if you did, most likely you would be a close friend of mine and in that case, I would accept your perception of the situation with a grain of salt and would probably actually consider what you said. Anyway, thank you for the comment. Next time, please leave your name, diary location, or email address. I might take what you have to say more seriously.

Now, about what this "guest" had to say. I won't make excuses. But there are things I don't write here and things you don't know about me and Bob. I love my husband and am fiercely protective of him. I don't let him get away with saying all our troubles are his fault. They are not. But his disability has led to some circumstances that we never envisioned or planned or even thought of. But this is NOT his fault.

I have a proclivity to depression. I am on anti-depressants, but with having had the bariatric surgery, my hormones and body chemicals are all out of balance right now. But there are things and times that trigger my melancholy and having to live with Bob's disability is one of those things.

If you don't have children or a spouse or loved one with a disability, you have no idea what life is like. You just don't. You don't want your loved ones to suffer. You want the best for them every day. But when you have a loved one with a painful disability, your loved one suffers every day and the best for them becomes the lowest form of THE BEST. For me, THE BEST for Bob becomes a day without pain. A day with THE BEST THE BEST might involve a way for him to make some money so he feels like he is contributing to our household. That's just one example. To hold on for more beyond that is almost too much to hope for.

Yesterday we went to the MD doctor together and it was a horrible experience. First of all, the lady at the information booth wouldn't look at or answer his question. Then she turned to me and answered his question directly to me. Then his doctor was late and when Bob was finally seen, he was seen by an intern who didn't really listen to him. She ran him through the gamit of muscles strength tests and told him to wait for the original doctor before putting his socks and shoes back on. The doctor took forever and by the time he showed up, Bob's feet were freezing and the doctor made him run through all the muscle strength and tests all over again which was painful for him. They treated him like a kid. It was so frustrating. We ended up leaving frustrated and angry. All this effort and poking and prodding and the best they have for us is, "See you next year." OK! Thanks! That helps.

Bob doesn't read this diary. He knows about it. He knows how to access it but he never does. He thinks it's good for me to write and he knows I write about us. But he leaves me alone to write and get it all out on "paper".

Finally, on my surgery. Do you have food issues? If not, you will never understand. I have to curb years and years of bad eating and food habits in weeks and months after having this surgery. If you know anything about this know it is not easy and is not a cop out. It is the only way for many people to lose weight and get into a healthy lifestyle.

Yes, there are times I would like to gorge like I used to. For me, that was comforting. It was my way to cope. Of course now I am struggling because my old coping mechanism is gone and I miss it. I am losing weight and learning new eating and food habits. But old habits die hard and not easy to break. It has been really difficult and there are times that I am going to write about the difficulties that have come with this surgery. Part of why I will write these things down is to express to anyone else who may be considering this surgery how hard it really is. It is not the quick fix. It is not the easy way out. It is hard, difficult and really much more than I ever expected myself.

And finally I will address this. If you don't like what you are reading here. Don't read it. Don't open my diary and read what I write. It's a choice and you have the power to choose.

Thank God it's Friday.

7:02 a.m. - Friday, Aug. 06, 2004


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