sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


Labor Day Means Doing No Labor

I just wrote a whole entry and then lost it. I HATE when that happens.

Yesterday we had torrential rains and some high winds. Not hurricane force by any means...but quite some storms for MN. In between storms, I did manage to take a full pickup truck load of stuff to Goodwill. That felt good. Now are apartment living space and storage areas are much more livable and Bob doesn't have to crash his wheelchair into furniture anymore. Being married to a guy in a wheelchair means no more area rugs or coffee tables. We need lots of wide open spaces and now we have them.

We also went to church and it was lovely. The teenagers led worship and it was lively, fun, and worshipful. They are one talented bunch of kids. It was also nice seeing our friends and catching up with everyone. I even got to hold a beautiful chubby babby. Why are bald, toothless, chubby babies so cute but bald, toothless, chubby adults aren't? Hee.

Today is LOVELY. It's sunny, 65 and just plain gorgeous. I would LOVE to talk Bob into going to the fair, but he is pretty adament that as long as the PICC line is still in, he doesn't want me out there. He is afraid the large crowds would jostle, bump, or accidently remove the line. So, we will miss the fair this year.

We also missed answering phones for the telethon. Don't forget to call in a pledge. Mattie Stephanik passed away this year and they are doing many mini tributes to him throughout the telethon. I can't believe how many children are affected by this insidious disease. We so need to find a cure. Trouble is, there are about 40 different kinds of MD, so the scope is so HUGE.

Here are a couple of photos of me from yesterday. I am wearing what I wore to duds. I got a lot of compliments on how good I look, but I think they meant to say how well I look since I don't look like I'm on death's door anymore.

So, this is my last full week at home recouping. I see the doc again tomorrow and the visiting nurse stops by as well. Then, next week, I am at work part time and if that goes well, I will be back at work full time the week after. I am kind of fearful of getting sick again, but the doc says not to worry, that I will be just fine. I hope he's right.

As for today, Bob and I are planning on doing nothing all day long. I want to crack open a book and enjoy the beautiful weather on our patio. Have a happy Labor Day. --------------------------------------- About A Year Ago Today: September 05, 2003: Thinking Back on College

Does it mean anything that my breakfast came to $6.66 this morning?

Does it further mean anything that I have worked here over a month now and JUST found out that there is a large handicapped accessible bathroom 20 feet from my desk? I was going downstairs to use theirs when nature called. I like the larger bathrooms with bars for personal reasons. Anyway, I am officially a dork.

I had a dream, in which I was supposed to be sleeping, but instead, I had my headset on from work and bankers kept calling me to check on stuff. I would awaken, be sooo completely tired and would snap at the banker. (A no-no if there ever was one!) I asked one banker didnít he know it was 4 in the morning and what the heck did he need to know about an annuity that he couldnít wait and call back at 8 like any sane person? I woke up a tad on the disgruntled side. Very realistic dream though!

Today I want to talk about college.

When I made the decision to go to college, I made it based on a series of selfish and immature reasons.

1.) To get away from my parents

2.) To meet my future husband (though I was dating a very nice guy at the time I made the plans to go to college)

3.) To experience life outside my Midwestern small town

4.) To meet new friends and have new experiences

5.) To start over

I guess they are not all immature, but they are not all well thought out or well made plans by any stretch of the imagination. I was smack dab in the middle of my class of 200 and not the best student by any means. I didnít know what I wanted to do for a living other than be a wife, mother, and homemaker. I had no real ambitions or goals and didnít even know how I would pay for school until right before I left. (Loans, loans and more loans. That I am still working on paying off!) I guess I went to college because that was what was expected of me and I didnít know what I would do instead. I was working part time in the kitchen of the catholic nursing home in town, but I knew I didnít want to work there while I figured out what to do with my life. I thought I would figure it out along the way. I thought that maybe school would provide some opportunities to see what I was good at and what I should go into for a career until I got married and had kids.

It didnít quite work out that way. When I look back now, I see how eager and over exuberant I was towards making friends. I see how little time and effort I put into classes and studying. I stayed up too late, slept through too many classes and generally made bad habits my life.

By the midterm of my junior year, I had changed majors 4 times. I started as a drama major, acted in exactly 1 play before deciding that wasnít my cup of tea, so I changed to a communications major. I think this really would have been the best fit for me, but the school I went to was a small private college in SD and the people in the communications major intimidated me. If I had had better academic counseling and a better sense of self, I would have continued to pursue this for my career track. However, because I felt left out and intimidated, I switched my major again to psychology. I enjoyed the classes on development and the science behind the field, but looking ahead, I saw school, school and more school. Psychology majors donít land a job in their field unless they have graduate and doctorate degrees. I was not interested in more schooling, so I decided to change my major again to elementary education. This major was not what I wanted to do, but I found the classes fairly easy and liked the idea of having my summers and vacations off. I did some student teaching and found it an ok time and I really enjoyed the kids, but I donít think public education was my favorite.

About this time, during the midterm of my junior year of college, I received notice that I was flunking out and wouldnít be able to return the next semester. I can tell you that I got my butt in gear then. Nevertheless, it was too late. Actually, I did really well by the end of the semester, pulling all my grades up and making it to passing for the semester. But my overall GPA was so bad, I was considered failed. I appealed the decision, making note of my hard work to raise my semester grades, but my appeal was denied. My original plan was to stay in town, work for a semester, then reapply, and go back. I am not sure what happened, but instead of going back to school, I went out East and nannied for a couple of years.

I think I was ashamed. I had failed and instead of staying and making it right, I ran away. Not only that, I felt as though I didnít really fit in at college. I had a couple of close friends and several acquaintances and yet felt as though no one really knew me. I was social and sociable. I thought I was a lot of fun, but looking back, I see that I tried too hard, talked too loud, and pushed too far, too fast. Of all the people I knew in college, I really only still keep in contact with 2 or 3 now. I know that happens, but I always wanted to be part of a gang in college. Not the drive-by, gangsta kind of gangs, rather the Archie and Jughead, Betsy, Tacy, and Tib kind of gang. Like the Little Rascals all grown up. I eventually found that, but it definitely did not happen in college.

My best friend from college is someone I greatly admire. We were nannies together out East and she saved my bacon more than once. We were cohorts in crime, practical jokers, and roommates, even though people thought we would kill each other. We reveled in Letterman, Made merry with Monty Python, jammed to 80ís dance hits, and laughed ourselves silly. We still keep in touch, though we havenít seen each other for years. She still makes me laugh and I still think of her as my best friend from college.

I wish I could go back and do things differently. If I could go back, knowing myself as I do and knowing what I know now, I would do things a lot differently. I did go back to school and got my AA in communications. I ended up on the Deanís list every semester and ended up graduating with a 3.26 GPA, which is the highest I have ever had. I would like to finish college with a degree in communications, but with having to work full time to support Sweet Baboo and me, that isnít happening any time soon.

I feel like I wasted my college years. I spent too much time socializing and sleeping and not enough time studying and learning. For all the time I spent trying to make friends, I donít have a lot of fruit to show. I mean I am still friends with those 2 or 3 people and still connected to my best friend from college. But looking back, those relationships would have remained. I should have put my efforts forward in applying myself to my studies, finding out what the heck I was good at and making a career out of that. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, I know. Now that I know what I want to do, I LONG to be in school. This time of year really pulls me into the school mode. Mmmmm books, classes, tests!! Arrrrrhhgg. (Imagine Homer Simpson drooling over donuts.)

Thanks for reading.

September 06, 2003: Changes, changes, changes

OK, what seems to happen to almost every diarist I have ever read has happened to us. I have kept this journal since my birthday last year. I started it for several reasons.

1.) I have been reading other people's journals and really enjoyed getting a glimpse on their day to day lives and lessons.

2.) I have written in paper journals all my life and find typing to be a faster way to get my thoughts on "paper". This is the perfect marriage of the paper journal and typed page.

3.) I thought it a good way for our friends and families to keep up with us through Bob's hospital stay last March and his struggle with living daily with Muscular Dystrophy.

My interest in this online journal prompted my husband to want an outlet as well. So, he turned the journal he had been keeping as a poetry place, into a combination of poetry writing and journal keeping. People who read mine, started to read his and now there is conflict.

I am going back through my archives and deleting and changing things that might be considered inappropriate or unfair because they aren't my stories to tell. My husband is going to password protect his journal so that he can still have his writing outlet but it will be his own private place to write. Hope that helps. In the meantime, I will keep writing about me and how I feel about things going in my life, my work and my marriage in the hopes it will help others who might be struggling with some similar situations. Also, it may help people gain insight in how it is to live with someone struggling with disabilities.

Thanks for reading.

11:34 a.m. - Monday, Sept. 06, 2004


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