sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


This is Me

Tomorrow is our 70's work event. I will have photos, except that this morning, I tried to upload a couple photos of me into my photolog and it wouldn't even though I may have photos...doesn't guarantee they will be here for all to see.

I am getting packets and phone calls and all kinds of things from schools all over the Twin Cities. I am a school shopping girl. And when I say that, I don't mean I am shopping for clothes and accessories FOR school, I mean I am shopping for SCHOOLS! Whoot!

I got my transcripts in the mail from the first college I ever attended and I gotta say, what was I doing there? My classes were all over the map...abnormal psychology, acting lab, intro to the Bible, native american studies, foundations of education. Man! And my grades were HORRIBLE! Seriously. Someone should have taken me aside and told me to put off going to college for a few years because it turned out to be a mighty expensive social club. One that I'm still paying off, I might add. Sheesh! But, when I finally did get my act together and get back to school, I rocked! I got the best grades I ever received in my life AND I made Dean's List for the first time ever! I remember getting a letter from my school and my heart racing and dropping at the same time. I thought it was something notifying me that I was flunking out or that I'd messed up and had to leave or something equally scary. But no, it was a letter notifying me I'd made the Dean's List! Whoot!

Thinking about going back to school has really reved me up. The program I'm interested in will have me getting my Bachelor's Degree before I turn 40. That sounds old to me. In thinking about going back to school, I feel so much younger than my 36 3/4 years. But, I've gotten so excited that I am starting to think that after getting my Bachelors, what's to stop me from getting a Masters? I could totally get my Masters!

It's funny. I think about 6 months ago and how much I hated myself. I hated how I looked. I hated how I felt. I hated my life. I never moved. I never looked at anyone in the eye. I never felt like anyone looked right at me unless it was to judge me for being so huge. I hated my job. I hated other people. I hated that looks mattered in this world even as I tried to convince myself that I NEVER judged anyone on looks alone. Yeah right! I became a completely different person...not me at all. I lost my exhuberence. My outgoing-ness. My extroverted tendancies. I just wanted to stay in, stay seated and stay covered. All of this is changing. I am becoming me again. I am not afraid to speak up, speak out, or stand out. I am proud of me.

I see my doctor again on Thursday. I wonder what I will weigh at that time. On our "oh so inaccurate" scale at home, the numbers are creeping steadily down to the 100lbs lost mark. I just wonder how close to the truth that is. I will know on Thursday.

100lbs lost. It seems incredible. It seems like I should be more aware of that. Actually, my body is now smaller, but pretty flabby and floppy. I'm not so thrilled about that, but hey, I'm losing weight, so it's all good. But it's hard to believe that I once weighed 360 pounds. I now weigh less than it says I weigh on my driver's license. I feel so much like myself now adays. I can't succinctly describe what I mean when I say that.
That fat girl, the one that weighed 360 lbs? That wasn't me. That was someone else. Someone inside me...but not me. This is me. And I am going back to school. And I am getting my Insurance License. And I am considering my options. Like getting my Masters Degree. This is me.

I have a phone interview with a large employer in WI on Thursday morning. Am I nervous? No. Because I have options. Am I scared? No. Because I am an amazing, talented, articulate woman who doesn't need this job, but is fascinated by the company and wants to see what happens. Could I have done this at 360lbs? Maybe, but probably not. At least I could not have done it with the level and confidence that I have about it now. Right now my heart is in School mode. And I don't believe I would have considered school as an option for me at 360lbs. I DIDN'T consider school an option for me at 360lbs. I didn't consider anything as an option for me at 360lbs. I didn't feel I deserved anything...except another cookie or another slice of pizza. THAT'S all I deserved. But that wasn't me.

I am smart. I am funny. I am a great friend. I am caring and compassionate. I know the drill. I am a good driver. I cannot find a hairstyle I like. I love shoes but only have 2 pair I wear in rotation. I like the clothes I am getting to wear now. I laugh easily and smile alot. I have a small mouth and teeth. I love animals. I have horrible penmenship. I can crochet a dishcloth in about an evening. I LOVE to write. I love to read. I love my husband and he is my best friend. I cry whenever I am experiencing an intense emotion, good or bad. I am losing weight. I don't crave sugar as much as I used to. I have the best skin I've ever had in my life. I crave tomatoes in all their forms most every day. I wear glasses because I'm scared of lasic surgery. But I'm actually considering lasic surgery! I am going back to school. I am not scared, but excited. This is me.

5:35 p.m. - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: