sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


My car smells like pepperoni

It's a beautiful day here in the neighborhood. It's funny how Monday and Tuesday were so ungodly hot and humid and just a day later I am having to wear a sweater to work because of the early morning chill. I even saw my breath as I walked to my car this morning.

Tuesday I had to pick up a dozen pizzas for a training lunch we were having. My car STILL smells like a large veggie with extra cheese.

I started this journal as a way to chronical my life and sort out my feelings. Sometimes I self edit because I know people I know read this stuff. But today there is stuff swirlling in my gut and I have to get it down and out or it will swallow me whole. Please don't take what I write as anything other than me trying to sort out what I'm feeling. I am not writing to be manipulative or trying some passive/aggressive tact to garner friendship or sympathy or anything of the sort. In fact, I am going to pretend that no one reads this and just write what I am feeling. Read on if you must, but I'd prefer you just stop here. Thanks.

There is an event going on this weekend that I want to go to. But I can't because I was not invited. It's OK that I wasn't invited because it's not really MY event. I just don't like feeling left out. It feels like when I was in second grade and couldn't play with my fourth grade friends during recess because they played on the "big kids" playground and I had to stay on the "little kids" playground. I wasn't purposely left out from this event. I'm not even really "in" with this crowd. But I want to be. They are the cool kids. They are the high school kids you wanted to hang out with when you were in Jr. High. They are the college kids you wanted to be with when you were in High School. They are the "Friends" while you are just an extra eavesdropping from the back of the coffee shop. Anyway, I just don't like missing out on fun when I know there is going to be fun. It's the extrovert wanna be in me. I wanna be everyone's best friend and while I know in my head that's not possible, I still want it.

Moving on - There is a new guy at work who sits across the aisle from me and he keeps staring at me. Our computers face the same direction so he has to turn his head to look at me and it's very unnerving. He's 25, a father of a 2-year old, but just broke up with his daughter's mother. He's nice and kind of dopey in that new guy way, but what the heck is he looking at? Maybe because my computer faces his cube he keeps thinking I am staring at him when in reality I am just doing work. Who knows, but it's unnerving. Plus, the other day he calls my name and asks me if I want to hear the latest gossip. Before I can even formulate an answer, he starts to tell me how his fiancee called off the wedding and threw him out of their place. He told me EVERYTHING! I tried to be sympathetic, but I just met the guy. I don't need to know his dirty laudry right now.

Speaking of dirty laundry, there are rumors going around about two of my co-workers having a fling. One is a married manager, the other a recently divorced mother of 2. It seems plausible since sometimes they act a little guilty after coming back from a break. But who knows. If it's true, it's unsettling to say the least.

Finally, the thing I've been avoiding talking about. Bob called today. He said he called a help line to ask how we might get help putting food on our table. A food shelf is coming by with food for us this afternoon. Also, our own church sent food and some money over. This is humbling. We are paying our bills and barely staying afloat, but we don't have any left over. Actually, we are looking at cutting all the extras off for now. That means no cable, no internet, no lunch money, no going out on dates, nothing. Especially since we are moving in two weeks and our rent is going up. Not to mention the higher gas prices. We are struggling. I look at all we DO have and wonder how this can be. We have so much. We have 2 cars, 2 computers, more boxes of crap than anyone deserves to have (It took over a dozen just to pack up our kitchen!), 2 cats, and so much more. Yet we struggle. I know why and we are working on fixing it. Bob is in this new financial makeover class and that will help. But right now, we are hurting and it's humbling. We are having to take hand outs when we are usually the ones to share what we have with others. We always send food to the food shelves and send money to the relief organizations. Heck, we sent 4 bags of clothes, blankets and towells to the Hurrican relief effort in town. We're not supposed to be the ones who need the help. We're not supposed to be poor. Is that what we are? Compared to other nations and countries, we are so filthy wealthy. Yet here, we are not. And we live in a moderately wealthy suburb where it's hard to admit we can't keep up with the Joneses. Not only can we not keep up, we can't even see the Joneses from here. This is hard. God has never let us suffer nor has He forgotten us. We've always had everything we need...and more. We just hit a hard spot and need help. Why is that so hard to take and admit? I hope it's only temporary.

4:36 p.m. - Thursday, Sept. 15, 2005


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