sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


Grey, Blah, Dreary, Yuck

I don't know this entry is going to come out. Supe is home, but depressed. I am glad he's home, but depressed. The weather here is grey, damp, cool, so depressing.

Supe is home safely and soundly much to my delight and thankfullness. He brought me treasures too! 3 tiny little snowglobes to add to our collection, a lovely candle holder, candles and replacements, a mug, and a fun little wooden bank that is labeled His on one side and Hers on the other. Except, no matter which side you put your coins in, they roll to the Hers side. On the top of the bank it says, "What's his is hers, what's hers is hers." That's a little joke my parents have had for several years now so I got a kick out of it.

About the minute he got home, he got amourous, so there was that. I also made him a special yummy dinner.

We think he might be allergic to something...either his pillow, mattress or the cats. Right as he lay down last night, he began to get stuffy and sniffly and he said his jaws/jowls hurt this morning and they were all puffy. He refuses to get rid of the cats, no matter what, so we will replace his pillows and mattress and see what else transpires. We are also going to set things up so no cats end up sleeping with us. I will set Daisy up in the bathroom, wash all the bedding, vaccuum the carpets good and generally lock down the bedroom. Someone at work suggested getting a room air filter. If we ever have money again, that is a fantastic idea.

Now that we are back from our respective trips, we are broke, broke, broke. We don't owe on taxes, which is great news...and in fact are due a nice little refund for both state and federal. We are also due a rebate from the Tax Cut software people for downloading our forms from the internet. And I sent in Supe's application to be put on full disability SSI rather than stay on the partial he's been on for 2 years now. So, money is coming, but we are struggling right now. Part of which is because of the truck break down last week and part of which is just because we said we weren't going to worry about money until we both got back home...and that probably wasn't the wisest way to go.

Now Supe is depressed and says he wished he had never gone to FL. He says it's all his fault for not working or bringing in any money. I say it's NOT his fault...not because of those reasons anyway, but it is my fault for not managing money better and for not being as diligent as I would have been had he been here. He says he just wants to stay in bed, but he can't because something in the bedroom is causing an allergic reaction.

I am depressed as well, though in all likelyhood, it is more related to the weather than anything having to do with our finances. I tend to go in cycles with my depression and Spring or the onset of Spring, is traditionally the biggest dip for me depression-wise. I have no idea why, but it's always been that way. March/April/May have been my months to struggle with dark, deep, scary depression. I am medicated now so things don't get quite as bad as they had in the past, but I still feel it.

I am a little annoyed with Supe, though I feel like crap admitting that. It's like I don't mind his disabilty as long as he is strong and overcomes the obstacles and goes to school or whatever. But as soon as he gets depressed and lays around and puts stuff off and stays home all the time, I get mad at him. Why shouldn't he stay home and pout? Why is laying in bed all day so bad? He is in pain 24/7! He is losing his ability to walk on his own. He can't lift things above his head any more...including his arms. He struggles with the simplest of tasks. He can't get up himself if he falls down. I would be depressed too. In fact, I get depressed over way less than that. So I need to get over myself and let him have his moods and feelings instead of trying to talk him out of it. When did it become my job to make sure he had a clear path at life? When did it become my job to take care of all the crappy stuff so he didn't have to deal with it? It is not my job to prevent him from being crabby and depressed.

Sometimes I will do everything within my power to make sure Supe does not have to deal with anything that has the potential to make him crabby. Why do I do this? Guilt. He already has so much to deal with, why burden him with the mundane and everyday? Why give him more to complain about?

It is not as if that's all he does. He doesn't. In fact, no one would blame him if that was all he did. He is notorious for holding back when something is bothering him or if he's in pain. So, it's not like he is one big annoying ball of complaints.

I know I'm rambling. I just feel so blah and so does Supe. It doesn't make for fun times at Casa de Us when we are both on the downs.

No word yet from the bariatric clinic. Once they get my report from my psychiatrist, they will call me and get me on to the next step. Man, if ever you wanted to jump through a bunch of hoops and hurry up and wait, this is certainly the surgery for you.

I downloaded the application in order to apply for the position fo Cottage Parents at the Florida Youth Ranches. Here is their website, and here is the description for what they are looking for for Cottage Parents: "Married couples, hired to work as Cottage Parents, are very special individuals. Cottage Parents must be committed to being a strong, positive parental role model in a professional family-style setting. Cottage Parents teach social skills, self-help skills, academic skills, and independent living skills to youth in their cottage. There are up to ten boys or girls in each cottage, ages 8 to 18. These youth typically have a background of low self esteem, academic failure, and problem behaviors.

Cottage Parents must have a minimum of a high school diploma or equivalent and a strong desire to help troubled boys and girls. Applicants will undergo a rigorous and extensive background screening process including drug testing and fingerprinting."

Here are the benefits for working for FL Youth Ranches: "Salary and Benefit Information-

$37,024 annual starting salary per couple ($18,512 each) (Although it was advertized as more, closer to $38,500 now.),Housing, food, and utilities provided while on duty,Paid vacation and sick leave,Comprehensive medical insurance (Youth Ranches pays 90% of employee cost of medical insurance and 60% of dependent costs),Life insurance and long-term disability insurance provided at no cost to employee,

Dental, vision, and variety of supplemental insurance plans available,

Excellent retirement plan with 100% vesting after five years of service

Specific professional skill-based training, Tax sheltered annuity program, Full-service credit union,

Employee assistance program, Work schedule - eight days on; four days off (You are responsible for your living arrangements on the days off.)

So, we would have to find some kind of alternative housing for our off days...but rent is so cheap down there, we would be OK, I think. The salary is thousands more than we are taking in now, with fabulous, amazing benefits.

Maybe it's just spring fever talking. Maybe it's the fact that we moved every 2 years when we were young and I think a change of scenery would be nice right about now.

Maybe it's that I want what's best for Supe and it would be nice to get him to a warmer climate before the next winter hits.

Maybe I don't know what I am talking about and should just quit while I'm ahead today.

3:37 p.m. - Monday, Mar. 01, 2004


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