sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


Losing My Voice and Feeling Croupy

I just found out that my B12 is WAAAAAY too low. It should be between 250 and...I forget. But mine is about 100. So on Tuesday I get to go in and get a B12 booster shot. Meanwhile I am on the sublingual that I put under my tongue with a dropper. It's orange and tastes nasty, but I'm hoping it's absorbing because B12 is super important! Yikes.

On another health note our cat Maisey may have diabetes. She's been drinking water like a thirsty camel. Bob used to be a vet tech so he called the vet he used to work with and had him mail us some urine test strips so we can test and see. After that, who knows. Poor baby.

Bob has been feeling poorly. His pain has been almost unbearable even with the perscribed pain killers. It's also been keeping him awake so he is not getting the rest and sleep he needs. I wish we could find a solution to his pain. Poor guy cannot live like this.

The washclothes have all be dropped off at Kathy's house. The sale is officially on. I will be manning the tables on Saturday afternoon. Hope I make some moolah. We sure could use it.

I'm at work today but feel crappy still. Like I'm floating in a plastic bubble of mucus and dayquill. So much fun...NOT!

Tonight I go home, create a tasty appetizer for the big work shin dig tomorrow night and then hit the hay, CSI and Without a Trace be darned. It's the ZZZZs I crave tonight.

*************************************** A Year Ago Today: December 02, 2003: I got the blues

I am kind of blue today. The weather isnít helping. Itís the gray, dreary kind of day we have so often in winter here in the upper Midwest. Plus Itís cold and windy, so...Blech.

Yesterday was baby day in our office. A woman who had twins 5 1/2 weeks ago, brought them in at the same time another woman brought in her 3 week old. The twins were way littler than the 3 week old, but they were all so cute. So tiny. All making those cute little infant noises that sounds like little suckling noises. Cute!

As I lay in bed last night, thoughts of babies filled my brain and I wondered...again...if there will ever be a time when I am the mommy of such amazing little people. I wondered if I will ever get to be the one called Mommy. If I will ever bear the scars and stories of childbirth to be shared and embellished and laughed over later. If I will be the one wandering up and down the aisles of cubicals looking for my infant as he/she is passed from one adoring co-worker to another. Will that ever be me? I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart.

I woke up to news that yet one more newly married friend is pregnant. She is expecting in May. I am so happy for her and her husband. They will make wonderful parents. But again, my joy is tempered with a little agony. My happiness for them marred by my sadness for me and Sweet Baboo.

I also heard an adoption story on the news that brought much of the same emotions. This is by far, a more approachable option for SB and me, but we have trouble getting started.

How can I temper my strong, almost touchable desire for children with the reality that is life for us right now? Heís in a wheelchair. I am the primary bread winner. We live in a cozy (read tiny) 1 bedroom apartment. We often times have more month than money. I just donít know how to make it happen.

Of course, Thatís probably the point. It will happen in God's time...when He deams it. But Itís taking an awful long time. I will be 36 in 2 weeks. How much older can we get before we give up hope of ever having kids?

Anyway, Thatís why the blues seem to be permanently impressed upon me today. A longing long unsatisfied is no fun at all.

Thanks for reading.

4:28 p.m. - Thursday, Dec. 02, 2004


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