sunflowery's Diaryland Diary


About A Year Ago Today...Give Or Take

I am going to be at a church woman's retreat this weekend, so no updating until Monday. Until then, enjoy!

About a Year Ago Today: April 24, 2003 A long entry of work anecdotes and thoughts from the past

I drove to work with the windows down this morning! Granted I also had the heat on, but maybe I can prod spring to hurry its little butt up if I act like I am enjoying the little warmth weíve been receiving. Yesterday was beautiful! Today should be the same. Itís just that the mornings are still somewhat cooler. Itís almost noon now and its 60 degrees.

The big Whig is here from the home office. He showed up yesterday afternoon. So far he and CM have been holed up in CMís office so I havenít really had to deal with him at all. And his presence here has been keeping CM and SM much subdued so Itís been an enjoyable working experience as far as Iím concerned.

The other day SM comes into my office, throws a file on my desk and says I need to call the MN Dept of Commerce and see what the agent in that file needs to do to make sure their insurance license is updated. I look at the former agent and Itís SMís sister. I mention that little sis should be looking into that herself and that the DoC isnít going to give me info on Líil Sis. SM tells me that Líil Sis has been trying to find out, but that she is either kept on hold or gets a busy signal and is much too busy to have to deal with that. Ummmmm, yeah. And I just sit on my can all day doing nothing. Okaaaay. She tells me I have to at least try. So I call the DoC, I press "0" right away because thatís the trick to get a human being on those telephone menus. And the human tells me I have to dial another number to find out about licenses, but that I should probably send an email because the response is a lot faster. She gives me the email address, I send out a quick email and the next day I get my answer. And SM and Líil Sis couldnít figure out how to do this on their own because...? Oh well. I am just hoping that if Líil Sis does come on board here she doesnít add to my bosses and the workload they require of me because of the stuff they canít or woní;t do on their own.

Speaking of which. I have to reorganize our back room. I should take a picture and show it to you. Itís large and filled with shelves full of paperwork. My job is going to be to organize all of our forms and applications and color code them so an agent can just go in there, see the colors needed for the app they are filing and just grab the paperwork they need. Sounds simple, but it will probably take me 8 to 16 hours to get it set up so itís completely functional. Also, I really need to go through all our storage cabinets and through a bunch of stuff out. We have junk and junk and junk. And I have done this every summer since starting here and still more needs to be done. I guess thatís because as I go on in my work here, I get to know a little better what we really use and what is just sitting around "just in case." So I always have way more to throw out every year.

Next Wednesday marks my 2 year anniversary with this company. It seems a lot longer. But it could be worse. I hear tales of bosses that really would make your head spin. And several administrators in our Region didnít get noticed at all yesterday. Their bosses think they donít have to thank them for doing their JOB because Itís their job to be there administrating. Well, I say a little appreciation goes a long way! I can last at least 3-5 days on one good compliment.

An agent just walked into my office, stuck her coffee into my microwave (the one we got for a wedding present but I brought to work because our apartment came with one.) and proceeded to heat up her coffee to a temperature meant to ward off the touch of humans. She picked up her cup, which singed her little fingers and immediately dropped said cup onto the floor spilling coffee everywhere. She stood there swearing until I told her there may be paper towels in the bin under the filing cabinet. She looked, said they werenít there and then said the stupidest thing I think Iíve ever heard. "Well, I guess Iíll just leave it then." Ummmm, What? No you will not! I told her that no, I would prefer if she would clean it up since she made the mess. She huffs off to the bathroom to get some paper towels, halfheartedly wipes the carpet with her foot on the towels, pronounces it good enough and leaves. I turn around and see coffee on my walls, my credenza, my desk, and in my files. Yeah, thatís good enough. No one is using my microwave anymore. One always spoils it for the rest.

For some reason I keep thinking about my high school boyfriend. I am not dreaming about him or thinking of him romantically or anything like that. He has just been on my mind for several days. I wonder where he is and how he is doing and if heís still as nice and sweet and gentle as he was when we were in high school. He will forever be remembered as my first love and he holds a place in my heart because of that.

When I look back over our relationship I cringe because I was sooooo stupid. Unfortunately, our relationship was the one I learned the hard way of all the things NOT to do in a relationship. I wonder if he knows how sorry I am for how badly I treated him. I wonder if he even cares anymore? Why does it bug me so much? Maybe because I wish he could see me now and know how much I grew from our mistakes and how much I still lean on the knowledge of what not to do in order to make my marriage work that much better. Itís horribly as if I am stepping on the backs of the ones I dated before Sweet Baboo in order to make my relationship with him all the better. Not fair to the ones who came before, but SB really is benefiting from my mistakes with them.

I know I wrote a little bit about my high school romance with A but indulge me as I write a little more.

I first saw A as a sophomore. He was a junior and we were in concert choir together. I thought he was handsome. He was tall and had dark hair and blue eyes. He was quiet and kind of shy. I kind of admired him from afar for most of my sophomore year. I learned he was funny and sweet and a great friend.

In the Spring I got it into my head to go to the Jr. Prom. I was a sophomore and, traditionally, couldnít go unless a junior or senior asked me. Instead of waiting for A to ask me, I slipped a note inside his locker and asked him. Thus began a somewhat silly ritual of note passing. We would see each other in the hall in and at class, but would only communicate through the notes passed back and forth through the slots of our locker. Both of us too shy to take a step forward and make physical contact.

That changed when our concert choir went on tour. We got to hang out and do stuff together and generally get to know each other and had a good time. (Because of that, it didnít bother me that our "tour" took us to Appleton, WI!)

The day of prom approached and we were riding with another couple since neither A or I drove. They came to pick me up and we all went out for Italian food. I donít remember much about it, but I think I was sitting one on end of the table and A at the other. We met up with a group of people and somehow in the shuffle to get seated, we got separated.

I donít even remember much about the prom itself. I remember dancing and talking to friends and I remember thinking that all this was was a dance with fancy clothes and being a little bit disappointed.

Anyway, since it was prom, my curfew was out the window. A and I and the other couple drove out to a friendís house where we were going to hang out and watch movies all night. I canít remember what we were talking about but A said something I disagreed with and from that moment on, I refused to talk to him or even look at him. (I KNOW! I told you I was stupid. This is what years of reading teen romance novels will teach you.) I thought I was taking the high road but was only succeeding in acting immature and stupid.

This marked a whole year of avoidance and stupid immaturity. All the while I still really liked him and wondered what the heck I was doing and why I was acting like such a baby.

In the meantime my junior prom came up and one of my best friends came to me and said A had asked her to go. She knew I still liked him but really wanted to go since he had asked her. I said it was OK since I didnít have any claims to him at all. But the clincher was that neither of them drove so they needed me to drive. To kind of fix this, we ended up going as a large group of people to kind of block the awkwardness of the situation. Still really awkward...let me tell you.

Somehow, at the prom, A and I clicked again. We didnít get back together right away, but we at least made a truce and got back to the business of being friends.

After school ended for the summer, the Campus Life group I belonged to, took a camping trip to a little campground to the North of our small town. There was a lake there and several of us decided to go swimming. It was in that lake that A and I got back together, I think. We were teasing and splashing and dunking each other and it took on that fun, playful, dating feeling. After we got back to the camp, we changed and spent all night by the fire together, cuddled in a blanket to keep warm. That was one of the best and safest feelings I have ever had.

We didnít do much over the summer. My family took a trip to Hilton Head Island and he was working. He was done with school and working full time. I was going into my senior year.

I thought we were growing and learning about each other, but in October of my senior year, a mutual friend of ours who worked with A brought me a note from him. This wasnít unusual since we used this particular friend to pass notes a lot. But this note was a break up note. And I remember being blown away by it. No notice, no preamble, nothing. I was mad and hurt and just dumbstruck. I donít remember the reasons he gave and it would be unfair to try and reconstruct...maybe something about not being sure what the future held and being scared. But I donít know.

I held a grudge towards him for a long time after that. He wanted to talk, but I didnít and remember avoiding and ignoring him. Yet more remarkably mature behavior.

Around Christmas time, we were at a Campus Life meeting at my house. Our leader was one amazing man and had us do an exercise whereby we had to get into groups and give each of the people in our groups a gift for Christmas. But it had to be something we could give right at that moment. So, for instance, I gave my friend C the words to the song Thatís What Friends Are For. A gave me an IOU for a dinner and a talk. I didnít take it seriously...he was in my group and had to give me something.

We didnít get to the dinner until Feb or March. I canít remember how we set it up...I should read through some old journals to see if I wrote it down. But I will remember that dinner forever. We went to The Eatery and sat in the booth by where the old juke box used to be and A told me that ever since he broke up with me all he ever thought about was me. He wanted to go out and be a couple and would I consider being his girlfriend. It was mature and adult and completely cool. I was blown away. I drove him home after dinner, we had our first kiss and it was so very, very sweet.

I will continue the rest of this tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

April 25, 2003 The Friday Five and the Conclusion to Yesterdayís Story

Today, a mishmash of stuff.

I went to the Office Supply Store and got a bunch of stuff for the office. Of course I forgot my list and of course, I forgot something. I will have to go back and get the strapping tape.

So, I am all set to reorganize the back room. I feel like I should do it tomorrow, but I really want a day to just chill, so I think I will put it off until next weekend. I will take before and after photos just so you can appreciate, my vast organizational talent.

Sweet Baboo called and said Maisey peed in his bed sometime over night. Stupid cat. We love her, but if her litter box is just a tad dirty, she lets us know by peeing somewhere sheís not supposed to. Actually, this is only the second time she has done this, but itís 2 times too many! Now we have to go buy new litter and cat smell-be-gone and we have to wash all the linens and air out the bed. Thank God SB is getting a new bed soon. She will be banned from the bedroom when the new bed arrives.

Here is the Friday Five

1. What was the last TV show you watched? The Eukanuba Dog Show in Portland on Animal Planet.

2. What was the last thing you complained about?

Probably my stupid cat (whom I love) peeing on SBís bed.

3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?

Wow! I need to compliment more people I think because I canít remember...oh yes I can! I told one of the agents here that the blouse she had on was lovely and a great color for her.

4. What was the last thing you threw away? A memo from the home office.

5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited? My Yahoo email websight.

Well that was fun! on to the conclusion of my story from yesterday. I was talking about my first real boyfriend and what a dip I was in that relationship. I got to the point where, in the late winter/early spring of my senior year, we finally got it together enough to get seriously involved.

I think the problem with me was I didnít know what a relationship was. I read A LOT of romance books and thought I knew, but in the long run, I think I was totally clueless.

We mostly hung out on weekends as I was in school all week and worked a part time job at a local nursing home and he worked full time. I liked spending time with him and really liked him, but for some reason, I donít think I really got to know him. We wrote long love notes to each other and sent them via friends who had study hall with me and worked with him. He gave me some beautiful cards.

One day we were going to have dinner with his sister and her son who we babysat together several times. I went to the Hallmark Store to get him a card. I went to the lovey dovey section of the store and read through about a million cards before I found one that spoke to me about how I felt about A. Then I went to the florist to get his sister some flowers for a hostess gift. As I walked in, I saw A at the counter. He was buying flowers for me! I ruined the surprise.

When we got to his sisterís house, he gave me the flowers and we exchanged cards. He started to laugh and I felt hurt that he would think my sincere attempt to convey the feeling I had for him was funny. But he told me to open the card he gave me. It was the EXACT SAME CARD I bought for him. We were kind of in sync that way.

We really were good friends, I think. We did stuff with his friends a lot and I enjoyed them. We did stuff with my family. We did stuff alone.

One night we lied to my parents about going to some concert at the high school and instead we went down to the creek by his house and laid on a blanket and made out. It was exciting and so not what Iíd been taught.

We found more and more ways to be alone and more places to secretly (or not so secretly) make out.

At this point I started getting confused. He was out of school and working full time. I had just graduated and was going to move to South Dakota to attend college and didnít know what I wanted to do. I wanted to leave my parentís house more than anything and didnít want to stay in that small WI town anymore. But I didnít want to leave A. I also was scared that if I stayed, we would go farther physically than I was ready for and rather than talk to A about all of this, I hid it and just got more freaked out.

A was awesome. He was generous, kind, sweet, and soooo romantic. He really went out of his way to do things for me. He bought us tickets to a concert that he knew he would hate just because he knew I really wanted to go. I had a blast and he didnít, though he enjoyed my thrill.

He introduced me to classic music from Kansas, Queen, Genesis, Yes, Jim Croce, etc. We had our songs (Crazy For You and Against All Odds) and we exchanged stuff animals...his Opus for my Thumper.

The one thing A really, really wanted to share with me was his love of a band called The Nylons. But for some reason, I wouldnít listen. I didnít want to hear them, I didnít want to hear him talk about them and I just dug my foot in and refused to be moved. I donít know why I chose this particular issue to be so hard headed about, but in my eyes, the issue was closed. No discussion and no amount of prodding or cajoling would open my heart, mind, or eyes to share this music with A. I was really awful. I mean whatís the big deal? And when they came to town for a concert and A wanted to go, did I? No. I could have gone and at least spent the time with my boyfriend. After all, he bought us concert tickets for the group I loved and he basically went and just sat through it because he wanted to be with me. Couldnít I do the same? Apparently not, because we didnít go. I canít remember if he went alone or with someone else or if we just didnít go. But we didnít go.

Anyway, there were things that bugged me about A. When I talked to our Campus Life leader about them, he advised me that there are some issues that come up in relationships that are mostly men thing and others that are women things. Some of the things that bugged me about A were just general guy type things. For instance, we lived in the same small town where everyone knew everyone else and nobody sneezed without the guy across town saying bless you. But when we would drive past the new construction going up in the middle of town, A felt it necessary to tell me (every time) that they were putting up a new...fill in the blank. That drove me crazy. I felt as if he felt I wasnít smart enough to know what was going on in our own town. But my leader said Thatís just a guy thing...pointing out the obvious. OK. Then, when we were watching MTV, he would give me all the details on all the bands and their backgrounds. I just wanted to listen to the music.

But all of that was small potatoes compared to the fear and anxiety I had over our growing physical relationship. I was raised in a good Christian home and totally believed the teachings on waiting until marriage for sex. I understood it and was prepared to wait. Well, Itís a lot easier to wait for marriage to have sex if you arenít dating anyone. A was soooooo handsome and so sexy and we were in love. It was easy to go just to the line. But I realized I wanted more than that and that freaked me the heck out.

Did I talk to him about it? No. Did I pray about it? No. I just stuffed it and tried to deal with it myself. Not a good plan if you should be tempted to try it.

No, instead, this is my brainchild. I road my fun little black Honda Spree over to his house and taped a note to his door saying I wanted to break up with him. Left him with no real answers, no opportunity for discussion and a broken heart. Then I went on my merry way to college in South Dakota.

But not before his best friend left a letter in my mailbox about low I was and how I had thrown away a very good thing. Something I was just beginning to realize.

A woulndít talk to me. If we happened to bump into each other, he would ignore me. If I was at one of his friendís house and he showed up, it was as if I didnít even exist.

This is Godís sense of humor for you...the first week of college, I was decorating my dorm room when I heard someoneís boom box blasting the coolest song I had ever heard. I ran from my room to the room of wonderful music and asked who was singing such a cool song. Do you even have to ask? Yes, Thatís right, it was the Nylons. It was as if the Earth had swallowed me whole. A dart pierced my fiery heart and shattered it to a million pieces. I went to my room and cried my eyes out, realizing I had been horrible to A and he was nothing but kind and gracious.

I wrote him a few times trying to explain myself, trying to apologize, trying not to sound needy and stupid and desperate, but failing miserably. I kept in touch with his sister for a bit. I always really liked her. She is one cool gal.

A got married sometime in the early 90ís. My mom sent me the wedding announcement. He still looked handsome and he still sounded sweet and romantic as the article highlighted his quest to win the heart of the woman who ultimately became his bride. I sort of ran into him once. The woman he married had a sister who married a guy we went to high school with. I wasnít invited to the wedding but had business to attend to at the church that day and saw him from afar. He was with an adorable little blond haired girl. Not sure if it was his, but I assumed it was. Donít know if he saw me or recognized me or even cared. But it was good to see him, even if it was from afar.

I have since lost touch with him and where he is and what heís doing. But I still wish him the very best and pray he is doing well. Our lives have changed so much but I would like to think that maybe now we could find some grounds for friendship. He taught me so much.

Thanks for reading.

3:08 p.m. - Friday, Apr. 23, 2004


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